


All I Want

by Constant_reader13



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 90’s au, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Blow Jobs, Castiel/Dean Winchester Mutual Pining, Dean is a huge nerd, Friends to Lovers, HIV/AIDS Crisis, Hand Jobs, Inspired by Music, M/M, Masturbation in Shower, POV Alternating, POV Castiel (Supernatural), POV Dean Winchester, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Child Abuse, Roommates, Therapy, These boys make me cry, a lot of therapy, adding the angst back in, and they were ROOMMATES, cas is a broken mess, everyone is an orphan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:40:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 33,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27993150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Constant_reader13/pseuds/Constant_reader13
Summary: Dean and Cas are both seniors at college who become roommates. They have crushes on each other but are too scared to ruin their new friendship. We jump back and forth between their perspectives with each chapter. This was inspired by my love of 90’s alternative rock so each chapter has a music header.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 49
Kudos: 49





	1. Dean

**Author's Note:**

> Shine, Collective Soul
> 
> Love is in water  
> Love is is the air  
> Show me where to look  
> Tell me will love be there

This was going to be the best year ever! 

Dean Winchester was already stoked to start his senior year at the University of Kansas. Class of ‘96! It was going to be awesome.

His courses were set, he had a kick ass off campus apartment, and he’d been put in the running for Editor-in-Chief of the school’s prestigious newspaper; The Daily Kansasan.

Things were just freaking aces... the only caveat was his roommate. Or ex-roommate he should say. Benny was moving in with his girlfriend. He told Dean all summer it was happening. And it finally did.

But they’re so damn on and off again that Dean didn’t really believe him. He should have believed him. He should have been meeting people to room with the whole time! Now it was three weeks before the start of school and he was starting fear he’d miss the next rent payment. 

“I still can’t believe you’re moving in with Vanessa.” Dean pouts into his beer as he and Benny shoot darts.

They were at their favorite bar near campus. A lot of students came there, but because the semester was still a ways away it wasn’t crowded.

“Yeah well I can’t believe, you can’t believe it.” Benny rolls his eyes. They’d been friends since freshman year, Benny saved Dean when a group of drunk seniors tried to jump him outside this very bar. 

“What am I gonna do man? I’ve got three weeks... that’s not enough time.” Dean laments.

Benny chuckles at his friend and downs his beer. “Here’s an idea... lower your standards. Next round’s on you mon cher.”

Dean rolls his eyes right back at the Cajun’s term of endearment and pushes up from the chair. His standards were fine, thank you very much. It wasn’t his fault that he liked things clean. That he kept weird hours due to dead lines at the paper. Those weren’t reasons NOT to live with someone. 

They were just reasons to be selective. And why besides being best friends; Benny’s night classes (astronomy major), and general tidiness (Navy brat) had worked to his benefit. 

What if his next roommate was a slob? Or a neo-nazi? Or slept walked, naked?! He was just so screwed...

Dean rambles up the bar and waves to Mick the owner. He and his partner Ketch were both expats from the UK. How they ended up opening a college bar in Lawrence Kansas was something of a local mystery. The latest rumor was they were both ex-assassins with a price on their heads from opposing organizations.

Mick is at the far end talking to a man with a mess of dark hair. Dean can’t see his face but Mick’s looks serious enough for Dean to quirk a brown in concern. When he raises a hand absently at Dean the man he’s talking to turns to look and scowls. 

Sweet Jesus on a tricycle... That guy is gorgeous! About Dean’s age, dark brows, piercing baby blues, strong jaw, and that mouth....Dean can feel his dick twitch in his jeans and he has to adjust himself under the cover of the bar. 

Mick pats the hottie on the shoulder and he makes a hurried exit out the back. Maybe a fired waiter, Dean thinks. Too bad, he’d like to see more of that ass in those tight jeans. Mick sighs, expression changing in an instant, and makes his way over to Dean.

“And how are you this fine evening Mr. Winchester?” He smiles cheekily. Dean got such a kick out of their accents when they first met, he knows Mick plays it up for him now as a joke.

“I’m fine, everything okay with you?” He nods in the direction of blue eyes. Genuine concern for the proprietor on his face.

“Don’t you fret yourself with that now.” The other man quickly changes the subject. “Besides, I hear some congratulations are in order?” 

Dean shakes his head, “Benny was stupid to say these were celebratory drinks. I’m not editor yet.” He can feel the blush creep up his neck. 

“And his moving in with Vanessa?”

“Now that’s a done deal...” Dean frowns. “But I think I’m going to have to look for a new place too.”

“Not a chance, you love your flat!” Mick exclaims while pulling two beers from the cooler.

“Yeah well, if I don’t find someone to live with soon I’ll be sleeping on your doorstep.” He takes the beers from Mick and starts to head back to the table.

Mick smiles wide, “Dean, I might have a solution to both of our problems.”


	2. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Far behind, Candlebox  
> Now maybe  
> I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad  
> But I did it anyway  
> Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had  
> But you couldn't share the pain

“It’s bullshit Ketch! I don’t even know the guy!” Castiel slams the kitchen cupboard and fills a glass with water.

“Precisely why Mick and I thought this would be a good arrangement. He doesn’t know _**you** _either.” Arthur Ketch raises a knowing eyebrow.

The younger man continues to frown. He didn’t need any help finding a place to live. And he certainly didn’t need didn’t need it from his two surrogate uncles.

Castiel downs his drink, “what’s the guys name again? Dan?” Blue eyes rolling to the heavens.

“It’s Dean, and you bloody well know that.” Ketch snaps. “I swear Castiel, if this arrangement fails...” he doesn’t finish.

He doesn’t need to, Castiel knows that he’s out of options. Scholarship or not, he can’t go to class living on the street.

Castiel wasn’t trying to be an asshole. Ketch and Mick have always looked out for him. Even when his own flesh and blood didn’t.

“Thank you for setting this up, I promise I won’t let you down...again.” He mumbles to the floor.

“I know you won’t Castiel. And you’ve not let anyone down. That mess last term with James is all forgotten. You paid for all those damages out of pocket too.”

Castiel cringes internally; the thought of his toxic ex still sends a wave a shame through his body. He had never meant for it to go that far. Jimmy basically had the words “Red Flag” tattooed to his forehead. Castiel chose to ignore that and fucked things up for himself pretty bad there.

Not this year, he thinks. One final year and he’d be graduating, ready to start his psychology master’s work. 9 months to go, he knows he can do it.

Ketch continues “... and honestly I don’t see what you’re so upset about. Dean is a very nice young man. I’m sure you’ll get along famously.” Ketch turns to go as if that’s the last he’ll say on the subject.

Castiel begrudgingly follows after him. It’s the “very nice” part that’s the biggest reason for him to be upset. He doesn’t do well with “nice people”, and to be frank they don’t do so hot with him either.

They walk down the stairs to the bar. Mick is already there talking to this Dean person. It looks like Mick’s telling a bullshit story about his time in some vague British goon squad, because the younger man throws his head back in laughter.

He bright eyes still crinkle at the corners when Ketch and Castiel reach them. He turns to Castiel and it’s like the whole world drops away.

Dean is breathtaking. Dark blonde hair falling around his ears, mega watt smile aimed right at Castiel. And his eyes, he doesn’t think he’s ever seen eyes that green.

Castiel curses to himself; his uncles really outdid themselves. Of all the people they could find for Castiel to live with, they go out and find a walking Ken doll! Cas knows he’s staring but he can’t seem to look away. He realizes faintly Mick is speaking when a hand is clapped on his shoulder.

“Ah speak of the devil, here’s Castiel now!” His uncle smiles a little too wide. He thinks they are both anxious to get Castiel out of their home and out of their hair.

That’s not true; they both care for you deeply. It’s not like when Michael took you in... Castiel clamps those thoughts down tight and flips the locks. Nope! Not today.... not here.

Dean sticks a hand out to shake Castiel’s. That damn smile dialed up another notched, the bastard’s practically beaming.

“Hey I’m Dean, Winchester. Nice to meet you.” And he takes Castiel’s hand into his warm palm.

Electricity jolts through his body as he grips the other man’s hand.

“Hello Dean.”


	3. Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Linger, The Cranberries
> 
> You know I’m such a fool for you  
> You’ve got me wrapped around your finger  
> Do you have to  
> Do you have to let it linger?

Warning bells are going off in Dean’s head at an alarming rate.

**ALERT! ALERT! IMMANENT BONER WARNING!**

The “handsome waiter” from the other night turned out to be Mick and Ketch’s nephew. What rotten luck! Dean’s so desperate for a roommate and being able to keep his apartment he’s demanding his body to ignore all the signals flashing in bright neon.

**I WANT TO TOUCH HIS BUTT!**

Dean needs to get a grip. He wasn’t some perv, and besides this was his new roommate. There are rules, rules about butt touching, and accidental boners, and deep kisses in the dark. Shit! He was in so much trouble.

Dean has been shaking Castiel’s hand for a full 30 seconds. Just pumping up and down like an idiot. He pulls his hand out of that firm grasp and tries to remember how humans work.

“Castiel huh? That’s a mouthful, mind if I call you Cas?” He huffs out a laugh.

“Sure, whatever,” the other man shrugs. His gravely voice is another shot to the gut. Dean’s senses are all on edge. Words. Mouth. Speak. Now!

“So Mick says you’re a psychology major. For the record I have a healthy relationship with my mother.” He laughs awkwardly. Oh God, he needs a drink.

“That’s good, it’s usually father’s you have to worry about.” Castiel deadpans. And the other three men look around awkwardly.

“Right then! So are you two going to go check out the flat now?” Mick claps his hands together, breaking the tension like glass.

“Sure, whatever,” Castiel sighs again and Dean frowns. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. But desperate times... let’s hope Cas isn’t a total dick.

“Come on, we can drive over in my car.” Dean waves towards the street where a shiny black muscle car is waiting.

He feels a swell of pride at the sight of his vehicle. It took him and his dad 5 years to fully restore the 1967 Impala. It had been in a terrible wreck with a semi. Sent the previous owner to the hospital. But it was like new now. He notices Cas’s eyes widen as the walk out to the curb.

“This is your car?” The other man whispers in reverence.

“Yup she’s all mine. Rebuilt the whole myself, well me and my dad.” He grins thinking of all the times they spent under the hood.

“I don’t know much about cars.” Castiel confesses as much to himself as to Dean. Dean unlocks the door and both men slide in.

They’re alone now and without the presence of his uncles around, Cas doesn’t seem to want any more pleasant small talk.

They drive in tense silence to the apartment building. It’s only a few blocks from the bar, and another few to campus. Dean has the radio on low but he hums along with the band playing.

“I hate this song,” Cas blurts out. And Dean is so startled he snaps the radio off without a word.

What was this guys deal? Dean mentally replays the conversation from the bar. Mick said his nephew needed a place to live. He was a senior, like Dean. Unattached, but very serious about his degree in psychology. Nothing out of the ordinary. Mick did mention offhandedly that his nephew was a bit standoffish until you got to know him. Maybe Dean just needed to keep trying. And besides, who doesn’t like The Cranberries?!

They pull up to an old brick house and step out at the curb. Dean opens the heavy iron gate and allows Cas to walk ahead of him. In the mid-August heat the grass is a lush green and the flowers are in bloom. There’s a courtyard with benches and a pond, and a willow tree shading the far side.

There are 4 apartment in this building each with a buzzer and name plate next to the ornate oak door.

Bradbury/Masters

Winchester/Lafitte

Zeddmore/Spengler

Tran

Dean smiles as he unlocks the door. “We’ll get that name changed on our plate once I talk to the landlord. He’s in Bimini this time of year.”

“Bimini? Pretty fancy for a Midwest landlord.” Cas remarks.

“Yeah, Mr. Balthazar has properties all over the country. He’s a bit of an eccentric, he comes by occasionally. But the building’s rent controlled and the other tenants are all friendly.

They walk up a short flight of stairs to door marked with a number 3. Dean turns the key and throws the door open wide.

“Here is it, home sweet home.”


	4. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mama I’m coming home, Ozzy Osbourne
> 
> You made me cry, you told me lies  
> But, I can't stand to say goodbye  
> Mama, I'm coming home

The apartment was far more than Castiel expected. Huge living room windows overlooking that charming courtyard. Hardwood floors. He feels a bit overwhelmed. He was thinking a grubby two bedroom with a futon and bean bag chair. But this was actually really nice. Nicer than any place he lived... besides is uncles.

“So you got your kitchen, living room, bathroom is that way.” Dean is gesturing like a air traffic controller. Hands waving spastically in the air. 

“My bedroom’s to the left, yours is the right. I mean, that is, if we keep the same bedrooms. If you want I can switch, it doesn’t matter...both, both are good” he trails off. He takes a deep breath and huffs out a laugh.

“Hi, I’m Dean. A normal human person who talks good sometimes.” He smiles and sticks out his hand again.

Castiel looks down at it and back up at Dean. He lets out an undignified snort.

“You’re kind of a nerd, aren’t you?” He shakes Dean’s hand again awkwardly. That same electric current ripples through his veins. What is that about?

“Oh yeah,” Dean laughs. “We’re talking hide from the football team, get stuffed in a locker kind of nerd.”

Castiel tilts his head in confusion. “I find that hard to believe, looking the way you do.” He gestures to Dean’s face and body with his hands.

Dean blushes a deep scarlet. “Yeah well puberty is a hell of a thing, am I right?”

Now it’s Castiel’s turn to blush. He hadn’t meant to say that out loud. Subject change please!

“So, the bedrooms?” Castiel motions for Dean to lead the way. They walk down the short hall past the bathroom. Castiel peaks in and sees a sizable tub with shower, double vanity done in dark wood and copper finishes. 

There are two doors opposite each other at the end of the hall. Dean turns and thumbs over his shoulder.

“Like I said, I’m left. You’re on the right. My room is a bit quieter, facing the alley. But yours has got the view.” 

Castiel opens the door and his breath catches. Another set of wide windows overlook the courtyard and willow tree, the city beyond the garden wall stretching out before him. It may only be Kansas but it still looks pretty in the summer sun.

The bed is a old fashion four poster job with a detail carved headboard. It’s stripped bare but the mattress is clean. There’s a desk that looks about 100 years old and an overstuffed chair in the corner next to some built in shelves. An open closet door reveals empty hangers and cubby holes for shoes or whatever he wants. He’s immediately humbled. He has never stayed anywhere this nice.

He stares for a long time; unable to stop the harsh memories from rolling in. Ones of sleeping on the dirty floor. Curled up with his brothers to stay warm. Belly’s empty. He shakes his head to clear away the fog. 

“Is this okay?” A voice quiet behind him.

“Yes, it’s fine.” Castiel has to clear his throat to dislodge the tears caught there. Dean pretends to inspect the closet and he takes the moment to compose himself. 

“I know the furniture is a little fancy, but Mr. Balthazar’s rentals all come furnished. Or so he says. Anyway, he also said anything you don’t want he can have some guy name Uriel come pick up for storage. Guy was a total prick when I called about a weird angel statue so think real hard if you don’t want something.” Dean’s rambling again but Castiel grateful for more time to calm down.

“Everything looks fine Dean, thank you.” He’s having trouble meeting the other man’s eyes. There’s too much question in them, and questions lead to pity.

“Alright, so that’s pretty much it. The neighbors are cool. Mrs. Tran and her son Kevin live below us. She’s the building manager. Kid’s like a genius or something. He’s taking classes at the university and he’s only 13!” Dean’s walking them back to the kitchen now. Castiel follows amiably behind him. 

“Across from them are Ed and Harry, they aren’t a couple but man do they fight like one! Harmless enough but the bickering can be a bit much on game night.”

Castiel interrupts this monologue; “game night?” 

“Yeah I was getting there. Across from us are Charlie and Meg; they also aren’t a couple. Just friends that go wayback. Different as night and day too, you wouldn’t look at them and think friends for life. Any-who, they host a weekly game night. It’s pretty fun; they have a ton of board games, they even have Super Nintendo tournaments like March Madness with brackets. Charlie also mods a D&D group that I’m apart of.” He’s got that smile dialed up to 11 again, Cas wants to smile right back.

“D&D? As in Dungeons and Dragons...” he trails off in disbelief. 

“Oh yeah, big nerd remember?” He wags his eyebrows at Castiel and moves to take a bottle out of the fridge. “You want one?”

Castiel accepts the beer and Dean lifts his in a toast.

“We came, we saw, we kicked it’s ass!” He grins and clinks their bottles together. 

“Is that a game reference or something?” Castiel feels confused.

“Dude seriously? Ghostbusters?” Dean’s unflappable grin droops.

“Never seen it.” Castiel retorts and Dean’s eyes widen in shock.

“Neve seen... Oh we have got rectify that right now Cas!” And he pulls Castiel’s arm, leads him into the living room to a massive VHS collection. 

Castiel’s heart does a slow flip in his chest and he sighs. This is going to be a lot harder than he thought.


	5. Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glycerine, Bush
> 
> If I treated you bad  
> You bruise my face  
> Couldn’t love you more  
> You’ve got a beautiful taste

Dean was lying in bed on a dreary Friday morning. His body, still warm from sleep, snuggles down further beneath his comforter. Couple more minutes, he would get up, grab some breakfast. Maybe see if Cas wanted to come grocery shopping with him. He had no classes on Friday (major props to his counselor for that suggestion) so the day was wide open.

It had been about 2 months since Cas moved in and Dean thought it was going pretty well. Cas’s stuff was pretty minimal; mostly books and a lonely suitcase. So between the two of them he was all unloaded in an afternoon. And the rest, as they say, was history. 

Sure it took a small adjustment period to get used to each other. New bathroom schedules, new cooking smells (Cas was a horrible cook and very quickly relinquished those duties to Dean), even new chores to divvy up. But all those growing pains were manageable. Dean didn’t know what he had been so worried about!

Cas was clean roommate; always put his dishes away and took the bulk of chores since Dean cooked and shopped. He rarely went anywhere without a book in his hand (including the dinner table and the bathroom). He also drank more black coffee than Dean had ever seen a human drink. 

Yup pretty great, considering Dean was 100% head over heels for Cas.

He turns on his back and breaks into a private smile. He just couldn’t help himself! Cas was handsome as sin, all that dark hair and sex god voice just drove Dean crazy. And if he may have caught a glimpse (or 20) of Cas’s firm, naked chest walking to and from the shower, well that was nobody’s business but his. 

It wasn’t just his body or voice though; Cas had a number of qualities that Dean found utterly adorable. 

That German Shepherd head tilt when he doesn’t understand Dean’s pop culture references.

The way he could talk about any subject with the young Kevin Tran, and gave the kid his undivided attention too, when they met in the hall or courtyard.

How he immediately bonded with Meg over their love of Russian authors. And with Charlie over their love of old Star Trek (the only pop culture item Cas seemed to know anything about). 

His oblivious nature to almost anything when he was reading or studying. The guy was like a Jedi master. Dean would bet a bomb could go off and Cas would still be sitting in his chair calmly flipping through a book.

There was just one small, tiny, insignificant problem. Cas had given him absolutely no indication that he had ANY idea Dean was crushing on him or would want to reciprocate. Dean frowns at this and sits up. 

Which maybe wasn’t such a bad thing. They had a good thing going as roommates, who were quickly becoming friends. Sex would just complicate things. And it would be a shame to mess this up.

“Yup... a real shame.” He says loud to the empty bedroom. This train of thought however, has woken up a particular part of his anatomy. Dean palms himself under the blankets, cock already rising to meet his hand. 

He glances at the clock, and smirks. “Oh I’ve got time.”

No sooner had he decided an early morning orgasm was in order, there’s a soft knock at his door.

“Just a second!” He calls out, rearranging his blankets over his growing erection.

Cas, mumbling from the other side of the door. “Just seeing if your up. Gonna make some coffee.” His voice is already fading down the hall so Dean knows he safe.

“Ugh! What am I gonna do?” He asks aloud to his dick, who has conveniently gone back to sleep, so he shuffles off to get dressed.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Later that day they do make it to the store. Dean loves shopping for food; the choices, the preparation, the people. There was a cool little market not far from the apartment. Benny found it by accident on a hunt for chili peppers.

Any food you could think to prepare was sold in some form at the market. And Dean had made it his mission to try as many as he could. 

This weekend he was thinking Italian. They were going to marathon ‘The Godfather’ films (Cas of course had never seen any) and Dean really felt like meatballs, from scratch.

After gathering up all the dry ingredients, Dean heads to the meat counter. The butcher was a grumpy old man named Rufus. Rufus argued with anyone over every ounce and pound that came across his counter. Dean suspected he loved every minute of it.

“And what ridiculous request do you have for me today?” The old man’s mouth was turned down in a sour frown but his eyes were twinkling. “Duck liver? Pheasant? Ox tails?” 

Dean is struggling to hold back laughter. “Not today; we’re going old school.” He tipped the older man a wink. “Meatballs! I’m going to need a pound of sausage, and one of ground beef, and a pou...” Dean trails off as he looks down along the counter. 

Over to his left Cas is talking to a local vendor selling organic honey. The guy is built like a brick house and he’s telling some animated story. And Cas is smiling; grinning; from ear to fricking ear. Dean’s heart plummets in his chest.

Cas never smiles like that at home. Yes he smiles; he even chuckles when Dean makes a joke or forces him to watch Caddyshack for a third time (Dean I just don’t see what so funny about the groundskeeper?). 

But it’s never a belly laugh; it’s never the big gummy smile he can see him giving the farmer right now. Dean stands quietly a moment. He feels like a total fool. He has no claim to Cas, but it still feels like a punch to the gut.

Rufus clears his throat and Dean turns, the old man’s face a mixture of discomfort and pity.

“Got what you need right here Dean.” And he hands him 3 small wrapped packages. Dean can’t stand the old man’s eyes on him a moment longer, he whispers thank you and bolts for the produce section.


	6. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Say it Ain’t So, Weezer
> 
> Say it ain’t so  
> Your drug is a heart breaker  
> Say it ain’t so  
> My love is a life taker

Castiel hates Halloween.

He hates the sticky candy coating.  
He hates the rotting pumpkins.  
He hates that practically every doorway on and off campus has some sort of ghost or ghoul on it designed to shriek at him at an ear splitting volume.

It’s enough to make him pull his hair out; which he is currently tugging on, all because Dean and Charlie have a tradition.

A tradition, to have a party at the apartment. And not just any party, no it has to be a costume party! And everyone must dress up.

Now it’s 2 days before the party and Castiel is standing in a costume shop with no fucking clue what he’s doing here.

_You know exactly why your here Cassie!_ The voice in his head suspiciously sounding like his brother Gabriel. _You’re here because your sexy roommate turned those bright green puppy dog eyes on you and your dick wouldn’t let you say no!_

Castiel rubs his hands over his face in self loathing. The voice was right... But there was nothing more he could do about it now. He had already said yes and, thankfully, convinced Dean and Charlie to let him pick out his own costume.

So here he was; staring at rows of policemen, cowboys, pirates, and assorted boogeymen costumes. Stumped beyond belief.

“You have an IQ of 123; just pick something and go home.” He mumbles to himself. That was the problem though, his logical mind was preventing him from making a frivolous decision.

Maybe he could just wear a suit? He had one for a funeral a few years back. Some member of the church he’d never met but Michael insisted they all go.

He needed something to go with it though. Something funny; he wanted to make Dean laugh. Head tilted back, mouth open wide, his eyes crinkled at the corners. Castiel loved to see Dean laugh. Luckily he did it often, just not as much the last two weeks. He frowns at a pair of novelty glasses and tosses them aside.

Something was bothering him; Cas thought. He just wasn’t sure what. Maybe the paper was being too hard on him. Cas knew Dean was in competition for Editor with 2 other seniors. And it was getting tense. They we’re supposed to know by early next month. Cas picks up a oversized tie and holds it up to a mirror. That wasn’t right either.

The store loudspeaker announces to take final purchases to the register. He glances down at his watch; it’s almost closing time. He better just pick something before he chickens out.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Cas had to admit it; they really outdid themselves.

The whole apartment building was decorated for the party. Lucky for the gang, Mrs. Tran was a big Halloween buff herself and had no objections to the party. As long as there were no minors drinking and no fistfights.

People just kept showing up and shouting Hi to Charlie, or Harry, even Kevin got a few shouts of “Hey little Tran!” Castiel didn’t know where they were all going to fit.

3 of the 4 apartments had opened their doors to the party goers. Harry and Ed had a haunted house complete with holographic ghosts. Charlie and Meg hired a fortune teller, a tall dark woman named Pamela who grabbed Castiel’s ass when she introduced herself. But Dean’s idea had been the corniest of all. He went all out and recreated an elementary school carnival. Complete with bobbing for apples, silly cardboard cut outs, games and prizes. It was the highlight of the party.

Everyone is dressed up too; Harry and Ed are ghostbusters, Meg is a witch, Charlie and Dean are in a couples costume. Some movie reference Castiel didn’t get. But Charlie looked very spooky in her black wig, and red wedding dress. Dean somehow was both gross and sexy in what looked like a referee’s striped uniform, except it was a tight fitting suit and his face was covered in moldy makeup.

“And what are you supposed to be young man?” Meg sauntered up, her costume fit her like a glove, her witch’s hat cocked cheekily to one side. “A tax accountant?”

Castiel is in his funeral suit, he wears it with a trench coat open over top. Still feeling silly about his purchase he holds onto the last part of his costume. Hiding it in his hands.

Meg raises a black brow high, Castiel sighs and puts the item on.

“Holy tax accountant?” He shrugs as the sparkly halo shines above his head.

She pats his cheek a little roughly and takes his hand. “Come on feathers, let’s get drunk!”

They make it till midnight before things start to get rowdy. A few freshman try to sneak some bottles from Harry’s liquor cabinet. And a couple named Chuck and Becky, dressed as Simon and Garfunkel, have been screaming at each other in Charlie’s bathroom for an hour. She’s currently trying to pick the lock. Dean and Castiel are standing by in solidarity, but Castiel is also prepared to kick the door down if needed.

Dean is not prepared, Dean is very drunk! He has a grin plastered to his face and has been leaning slightly to the left for some time now.

Castiel feels Dean snake an arm around his shoulder and he tries very hard not to lean into the touch.

“Helluva party... you picked... picked a good year to grace us with your presencesss.” The words slur off his pouty lips and Castiel feels his own cock strain against his suit pants.

Castiel smiles and tilts his head up to look at Dean’s profile. In his drunken state, he’s not likely to notice him staring. But Dean must have felt his gaze because he looks down and all of a sudden Castiel feels very hot under the collar.

“Hiya Cas.” He smiles, leans in, and plants a very wet kiss on Castiel’s lips. Stunned, Castiel can’t think. He stands there, blue eyes wide. Dean is kissing you! Kiss him back! No he’s hammered, it’s not right! The kiss is warm and so inviting, but he can feel Dean struggling to stand.

Cas pulls back, “Dean I think it’s time for bed.”

“Yeah I wanna take you to bed alright.” He hiccups. “I want you so bad Cas.” He tries to brush up against Castiel’s crotch but misses.

Castiel freezes, this can’t be happening! Why now? You’ve been sober for months and now when you’re plastered... He’s filled with a mixture of hurt and shame. He looks down and Charlie is staring at them. She’s heard everything. She’s seen his everything!

“Don’t pay attention to him Cas. He always gets wasted on Halloween. I got him, you can go back to the party.” Charlie tries to whisper so Dean can’t hear them.

“Sure, yeah... thanks.” He mumbles and passes Dean like a baton to his friend. Hurt sinking like stones in a pond. He doesn’t mean it; just a drunken misunderstanding. He abruptly turns on his heels and walks straight to his apartment. Snatching the halo off his head in the process.

He glares at all the party goers scattered around his apartment. Trash everywhere, people making out on his couch. Fucking Halloween.

**BANG! BANG! BANG!**

He hammers a fist on the wall. Everyone stops, it’s so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

“Party’s over!”


	7. Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mentions of past child abuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longview, Greenday
> 
> Bite my lip and close my eyes  
> Take me away to Paradise  
> I'm so damn bored, I'm going blind, and loneliness has to suffice

“I’m never drinking again...” Dean groans and hugs the side of the toilet tighter. His insides feel like a whirling blender with the top left off.

“You said that last Halloween.” Charlie grumbles. She’s sitting on her bathroom floor next to him. He groans again, he knows he was a handful last night. But it wasn’t that bad. Not as bad as last year when he pulled his pants down and showed everybody his dick. Yelling “pudding!” at the top of his lungs.

He takes a deep breath and tries to sit up. Once he feels he won’t fall back over he reaches out and takes the glass of water Charlie has in her hand. Swishes the sewer taste out of his mouth and spits in the toilet. She hands him four Advil and he knocks those back as well.

“So, do I have nudity I need to apologize for?” He tries to grin but his stomach still feels like it might mutiny at any moment. 

And Charlie is conveniently looking everywhere but at him; a cold line of sweat runs down his back.

“Charlie... what happened?” His mouth feels dry so he takes another tentative sip of water. It doesn’t help. She picks at some invisible lint on her unicorn pj pants.

“So um, you may or may not have kissed Castiel.” She says it all in a rush. Like ripping off a bandage.

Dean’s vision tunnels and he feels the water creeping back up his throat.

“Like the Ha Ha we’re friends and drunk kiss on the cheek kind?”His voice barely above a whisper.

“Yeah, no. More like planted a wet one on him and said you wanted to take him to bed kind.” She looks mortified for him. Dean’s done a lot of stupid stuff at these parties but in all the years he’s known her, she’s never looked at him like this.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...What has he done? 

“Where is he?” Dean tries to stand but she shoved him back to the ground. 

“He’s in your apartment. Sleeping. In his own bed.” she looks sternly at Dean. He can feel the shame pouring off of him. This was bad. Very bad.

“Charlie please, can you at least tell me if he said anything?” Dean brain may have been in a fog but that didn’t mean he wasn’t curious about how Cas reacted. 

She sighs, “He was upset, he left right away and the party broke up shortly after. Look, I’m only telling you this because I love you. But I think if you grovel, like really really beg, you might have a chance.”

“A chance? You mean with Cas?” Dean is flabbergasted. Charlie can’t mean what he thinks, can she?

“Dean please, you like Cas. And Cas likes you, dummy. Before you got stupid, he was smiling at you like you were the freaking sun.” She rolls her eyes and starts to get up. “Come on, you gotta help me make the hangover cure and clean up.” She reaches down to help him to his feet.

“He likes me?” He looks in the mirror. The man staring back at him has hair sticking up in crazy spikes, still looks a little green but that may be his leftover makeup. And he smells like a truck stop.

“Charlie, sweetheart; I will help you, I will clean up all the mess, but can I please, please take a shower first?” He turns on the puppy dog eyes and she softens like butter.

“Fine, but you come right back. And no talking to Cas! Give him some time to wake up.” She points a finger in his face. If she weren’t around five feet tall, it would almost be terrifying.

“Thanks, back in a bit.” And he gingerly walks across the hall.

Once inside the apartment he looks around. His carefully made decorations are scattered on the floor. Someone put a pumpkin in the microwave. And there are empty cups on every available surface.

He rolls his eyes and laughs, fucking Halloween...

He tiptoes to the bedroom to grab his regular clothes. Quietly he turns and skips over the creaky floorboard to the bathroom. Once inside he locks the door and turns on the tap.

The water runs hot and Dean is practically whimpering by the time he gets under the spray. As he washes the grime and makeup off he tries to dig into his memory. Find some trail to lead him to what possessed him to kiss Cas.

Uh you want to kiss him all the time? Maybe that’s what possessed you. Dean frowns and washes the hair spray and gunk from from his hair. 

He remembers the beginning, people coming in, everything looked so cool, music blaring from the speakers.

Meg, in her sexy witch deal, helping Pamela put the finishing touches on the seance table.

Ed and Harry bickering (per usual) about the placement of their holograms. Which looked freaking awesome.

Kevin begging his mom to stay up later so he could hang with the other college kids.

He and Charlie were setting up the last keg in her apartment when Cas came in with Meg. They were laughing about something and when Dean turned around he was dumb struck by how amazing Cas looked in a suit. It fit him like a glove. Dark navy with a striped blue tie. The tie was crooked but that added to the look; disheveled with a hint of sexy. That was until you saw the halo. And that flasher coat; Dean would be lying if he said he didn’t want to kick everyone out and have a little private party for two.

Dean feels a heaviness in his abdomen, he opens his eyes and his cock is growing fat between his legs. He takes a soapy hand and runs it down his chest. Teasing his nipples along the way. His cock twitches and he lets out a quiet gasp.

Hand gripped around himself, he plants the other on the cool shower wall. Closing his eyes he take a few long strokes, drawing out the erection further. 

In his mind he can see himself; loosening that crooked tie, pushing the jacket and suit from Cas’s shoulders. Stripping him bear, skin warming to his touch.  
They’re kissing; tongues darting, teeth nipping. He can feel Cas’s hard cock slotted beside his. He wraps his hand around both of them and those blue eyes roll back in ecstasy. Cas gasping, Dean’s name on his lips.

Dean cums without warning; his seed spilling out all over the tiles. He tries to stifle his moans, but it feels amazing.

Breathing heavy he sits down on the shower floor. The power of the orgasm, coupled with his hangover has weakened him. He struggles to stand but makes it. One last rinse and he shuts of the water. 

Dressing in comfy pants and a hoodie he shuffles out of the bathroom and goes back over to Charlie’s place.

She’s already got most of the kitchen cleaned up and is working on her famous hangover cure. She said her grandmother invented it in the 60’s. But it was probably even before that.

Within the first week that they met, they split a bottle of Jameson, $50 in Chinese food, and spent 14 hours playing Zelda. It was a rotten combination. But when he woke up on her couch, mouth feeling like a litter box she was there with “The Cure.”

2 alka seltzer in a tall glass of room temp water  
1 shot of good whiskey  
1 Fried egg sandwich with bacon and hot sauce 

When he came in she had the glasses on the counter ready to go and was putting bread in the toaster.

“So before you said Cas liked me. What are you basing that on?” Dean got right to the point. If he did fuck up with Cas he wanted to know how badly. 

“You’re hopeless you know that?” She takes out a frying pan for the bacon.

“Hopelessly good looking?” And he winks, she just rolls her eyes.

“He pretends to read.” She’s putting bacon in the pan now and it’s smell fills the apartment.

“Cas knows how to read...” he’s confused.

“No I mean sometimes when he’s reading, he’s actually watching you. It happens all the time.” While the bacon cooks she takes out the alka seltzer and plops them in the cups. 

Dean leans again the fridge, chewing on his hoodie string, his mind racing.

“What does that prove?” 

“It proves, your honor that he’s distracted when you’re around and he watches what you’re doing. I’d also like note for the record that he looks at your butt. A lot!” And she whirls around and flips the bacon before it burns.

Hmmm, that was interesting. 

“So should I tell him how I feel? Let him know it wasn’t me being stupid.” 

“Oh you were being stupid, but I think you should just apologize for now. He might not think you’re sincere so soon after the fact.” She cracks an egg one handed in another pan and puts the bacon on a paper towel to dry. Sipping her drink she nods to him to take his.

“How’d you get to be so good at relationships? Aren’t you like a self imposed nun right now?” Dean pouts and drinks his fizzy water. The bubbles help settle the queasiness of the hangover but not the nerves about Cas. 

“I may be abstaining from a relationship but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m talking about.” She complies their sandwiches and hands him his plate. He hands her the shot glass and they clink them together.

“Bottoms up Winchester. Time to take your medicine.” She smiles and they both drink.

“I’m going to go see if Cas is up and wants a sandwich. I’ll be back in a bit.” Dean shuffles back out and she shakes her head.

“That’s not all he wants...”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Dean heads into the apartment and spies Cas sitting on the couch. Cup of coffee steaming on the table, he’s staring out the window, but doesn’t turn when Dean walks in.

Dean clears his throat, “Hey Cas.”

Cas turns and his blue eyes pin Dean to the spot. He’s furious; shit. Okay, what did Charlie say? Grovel, grovel like your life depends on it. He walks over and kneels in front of Cas. Might as well go all in.

“Cas I am so sorry for how I acted last night. And it’s no excuse but I tend to get stupid drunk on Halloween.” He smiles and tries to meet the other man’s eyes but Cas is back to looking out the window. 

“I hope you can forgive me, and we can put it behind us.” He tries again. Cas turns his head at this and squints.

“Put it behind us?” His voice is quiet.

“Yeah I mean if that’s what you want?” He feels confused. Unsure of how to navigate this apology without confessing everything.

“Did I ever tell you my father was a drunk?” He asks and Dean’s eyes go wide. Cas never talks about his family. Like never ever. Mick said something about being raised by his brother, but that was all Dean got out of him.

“And every time something reminded him of my mother, he would get hammered. Holidays, her birthday, Hell sometimes an ad on tv. And he’d say all these terrible things. You see, she died; giving birth to me. So he’d go on and on about how it was my fault, that I had killed her. That I took her away from us.” Cas closes his eyes and a tear rolls down his cheek. 

Dean wants to wipe away that tear so badly, but he’s frozen to the spot. 

“And when he’d come out of it, he’d apologize and say that it would never happen again. He’d ask me if we could put it behind us.” His words cut into Dean like a blade.

“Cas... that’s not what’s happening here.” Dean can’t bring himself to raise his voice but the anger is rising in his. Who could do that to a child? What kind of life had Cas lived? He really didn’t know much about him at all.

“I know that, but you asked me if I could put it behind me. Now you know why my answer is no.” He sighs.

“But Cas, I thought you... I’m sorry.” Dean trails off. His eyes are cloudy, like he’s still thinking of all those things his father must have said. There’s nothing more Dean can say in this moment to make this right. Especially telling Cas how he truly felt.

He rises up from his knees, walks to the door. He gives Cas one last look but he’s staring out the window again. Eyes lost in the painful memories of the past. 

Memories that Dean brought back to life. 

The apartment door closes softly behind him.


	8. Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mentions of past child abuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creep, Radiohead
> 
> But I’m a creep  
> I’m a weirdo  
> What the hell am I doing here  
> I don’t belong here

“But why are you going this year?” Castiel whines and throws himself down on Ketch and Mick’s couch.

“We frequently go to England on holiday. This year just happens to be around Thanksgiving.” Mick is sitting in a wingback chair, teacup perched on the armrest.

“You’re acting like a child.” Ketch scolds. “And besides, you despise the holidays. Why are you so keen to spend it with us all of a sudden?”

Cas flops over, face down and screams into the cushion.

“Sorry, didn’t catch that,” Mick rolls his eyes and pokes Castiel in the leg with his foot.

He raises his head sheepishly, “maybe I just wanted to spend time with you.” 

“Oh bollocks to that!” Ketch laughs and sit across from his partner. 

They are in the parlor, a fire is roaring and soft music plays in the background. They were having a very pleasant Sunday until their wayward nephew burst in, unannounced, and decided to have a tantrum.

“Out with it Castiel, what’s really going on?” Mick, tired already, tries to tackle the issue head on.

Castiel sits up and sighs dramatically. “Well you know how I told you Dean invited me to go with him to his family dinner?” His cheeks burned, he did not want to drag his uncles into this but they weren’t willing to cooperate.

“And? I’ve met Dean’s family, they are very nice people. His father is a little gruff but you would like his mother and younger siblings very much.” Ketch sips his tea and eyes his nephew curiously.

Castiel’s blush deepens, “I’m sure they are. I just don’t want to go anymore...” he trails off, head in his hands. 

“And why not?” Mick smiles slyly at his partner. They’re having fun. Both men can see Castiel’s hiding something. 

“Because I’m a bad friend okay! Is that what you want to hear?” Castiel shouts, and immediately looks ashamed. His uncles don’t deserve this kind of treatment.

“Castiel, that’s what you want to hear. What’s really going on?” Ketch leans over and puts a hand on the young man’s shoulder. Not so fun now that their nephew is visibly upset.

Castiel sighs again; he tells them everything. How he’s liked Dean from day one, the struggles of living with someone you’re crushing on. How Dean acted at Halloween, and how Castiel (wrongfully) unloaded his family baggage on Dean. Oh and made it seem like Dean had a drinking problem. So to sum up he was a terrible friend and didn’t deserve Dean.

“Well, that certainly is a lot.” Ketch says, once it’s clear Castiel is done off loading.

“How do you feel now?” Mick asks him.

“A little sick actually.” Castiel laughs. “I have to go to the dinner don’t I? Start repairing the damage I may have done to our friendship?”

“Yes of course, but did you already tell Dean you couldn’t go?” Mick wants to know.

“No, when he asked me again today if I was still coming his face looked so hopeful I didn’t have the heart to tell him no.” Cas sighs.

“Right, good lad. It’s a good thing you dropped by Castiel. You might never have come to those conclusions all on your own.” Ketch smirks into his cup.

He smiles at them both. “I don’t know what I’d do without you two.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

They are all out on the curb in front of the Impala. Charlie and Meg roll their eyes as Dean lets out a whoop of joy! “Road trip! Lets do this!”

He’s already got his bag in the back and gleefully takes Cas’s duffle out of his hands. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to come girls?” Cas’s eyes pleading. Dean neglected to tell him that his family lived close to 5 hours away. And Cas was not prepared for almost a whole day in the car, with Dean, alone!

Meg smiles wickedly at him and Charlie shakes her head. He hates them both. 

“Give my best to your family Dean.” Charlie says. She went home with Dean last year but was too busy this year with her senior thesis.

Meg hugs Castiel and whispers “talk to him. He wants to apologize. And you need to tell him about your past.” 

He pulls back in disbelief. Meg has been one of the few people he’s told everything to. Not for lack of trying; she has this way of pinning you down with her eyes. And before you know it you’re blurting out how you lost your virginity to your freshman RA.

“You’re sure?” He whispers back?

She nods and smacks a loud kiss on his cheek.

“Now you boys have a safe trip!” Meg calls to Dean. “Remember, No hitchhikers!”

“Yes mom!” He calls back and the boys hop in the car.

The girls holler as Dean revs the engine playfully. They pull away from the curb and Castiel leans to wave out the open window. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The first few hours pass in companionable silence. Cas reads a book (thank goodness he didn’t get car sick), and Dean sings along with the radio. 

He has a nice singing voice but when Castiel finally comments on it, he notices Dean’s ears pink up. 

“Nah, it’s nothing to write home about. Just having fun. You should try it. Take the next one.”

“One; that’s not true. I mean it, you’re a great singer. And two; I am not and will not be singing, ever!” Cas snapped sarcastically.

The next song starts and it’s one Castiel actually knows. Dean knows that too and looks over at him expectantly. 

“No Dean, it’s not happening.”

Eyebrows raised; he won’t stop staring at Castiel.

“Keep your eyes on the road.” Castiel can feel the blush creeping up. Dean is still staring. Clearly he’s not going to let this go. 

Castiel puffs out his cheeks. This is going to be so humiliating. Castiel picks up the words in the middle of the song.

Dean smiles wide as Castiel starts to sing. Almost like he’s won something. When the chorus starts Dean sings along with him.

Cas lets his voice die off and the song ends with Dean belting out the words. Castiel smiles but his insides feel all churned up. It had been a few weeks since Halloween. Things had been awkward between them, but Castiel was determined to make amends.

He might as well do it since they’re alone.

“Dean, can I ask you something?”

“You just did, but sure give me another.” Dean chuckles at his own joke.

“Why did you invite me to thanksgiving?” It’s not the question he wants to ask, he wants to ask ‘What am I to you? Do you like me? Will you sing for me again?’ But it will have to do for now.

“Jeez Cas, nothing to it. I knew your uncles would gone, Meg is flying out to Vegas with that Crowley guy, and Charlie’s neck deep in Hobbit lore for her thesis.” He ticks his fingers off with each of their friend’s plans. “No one should be alone on the holidays. Especially ones with pie!”

Cas smiles; of course his lack of pie was the biggest motivator for Dean. 

“Well I want to thank you again, for inviting me. It’s been a number of years since I was with anyone on a holiday.” He frowns; the truth of that settling in. He really has been alone for a long time.

“Not even with your brothers?” Dean peaks at him sideways. 

“No, Gabriel is, well he moves around a lot. Michael doesn’t celebrate “commercial holidays” so it’s been...” he trails off. “It’s been 5 years since I’ve seen my brothers.”

“Damn,” Dean whispers. “Cas, I know we haven’t known each other very long, but I can’t imagine going 5 years without seeing you.” 

The statement hangs in the front seat between them. Tension begging to be broken so the car ride can continue. Dean says nothing. 

“You won’t have to worry about that Dean, I’m not going anywhere.” Castiel smiles and Dean lays a hand on his shoulder.

“Cas, I need to apologize again for Halloween. I was out of line, and I didn’t know how much my drinking would upset you.” He tries to continue making eye contact with Castiel but there’s too much traffic. 

“You don’t have to apologize again. I blamed you for something had no control over. You’re not my father.” Cas sighs. It feels good to clear the air. Maybe things with Dean can go back to normal.

“I noticed you didn’t mention him; I guess you guys didn’t stay close?” Dean’s prying now. Castiel knows he’s been vague in regards to his family, but Meg told him he needed to tell Dean. If they were going to move forward a repair their friendship he had to know.

“No we didn’t, he walked out on us when I was 8 years old.” It’s a shock to just blurt it out like that, but Castiel doesn’t know any other way to talk about his estranged father.

“So is that when you lived with Ketch and Mick?” Cas can tell Dean’s curiosity is palpable. 

“No that was much later;” he pauses. This is the part he hates. The part where he has to tell the truth; and the pity starts and the questions don’t stop. And there’s no one to blame anymore because they’ve all left him. Everyone he loved has left him, in one way or another.

He stares straight out the window, too ashamed to look Dean in his beautiful, hopeful, kind, eyes. I’m no good for you Dean. And one day you’ll find that out and you’ll leave too.

“When my father left, Michael took care us. He was 16 and thought he could handle it. We did that for 2 years. Then one of my teachers realized we had no adult supervision so, even though Michael was 18, they we’re going to call social services. Gabriel and I would have been split up and Michael out on his own.”

He glances at Dean. Fuck, his face, Dean’s face is like an open wound, if Castiel even looks at him right now he’ll crumble. Get it done, get it all out.

“Michael forced us to run away. He said we would be better together than split up. We lived on the street for a year until Michael got a good enough job for us to afford a one bedroom apartment. We lived there for 5 years. And when I was 16, I told him I was gay. So he beat the shit out of me and threw me out.” He gets the last of it out in one breath. He can feel the anger rising in him. So many memories, so many fights, the shame of it all.

“Cas, I’m...” Dean starts

“Don’t... If you say you’re sorry... If you apologize, I will break your nose.” Cas glares over at Dean’s hurt face. His eyes sting and he has to close them.

“What happened after he kicked you out?” Dean whispers.

“I moved around a lot. Lived on the street again. Crashed with whoever I was sleeping with at the time. I didn’t move in with Mick and Ketch for a few years. He sighs in shame. It burns in his throat. 

Dean nods and looks back out the windshield. Cas can tell he wants to ask more questions but he’s a little spent after that emotional upheaval.

“Im pretty tired, I’m going to take a nap.”Castiel turns away without waiting for a response. But he doesn’t close his eyes for a very long time.


	9. Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wonderwall, Oasis 
> 
> Because maybe  
> You're gonna be the one that saves me  
> And after all  
> You're my wonderwall

Dean is sweating like a sinner in church. He should have never agreed to this. He’s bringing home a boy, a boy he likes. His family is going to give him so much shit for this.

The Impala pulls in the driveway. No sooner is the car parked when his mother and sister run out to greet them. His dad and brother stand calmly on the porch. 

“Dean! Dean! You made it!” Jo runs and practically throws herself in his arms.

“Woah! What are you feeding this one, get down you weigh a ton!” He pretends to fall under his sisters weight.

Ellen smiles, “Joanna get off your brother, somebody else wants a hug!” She wraps her arms around him, “Honey we missed you!” And then she whispers, “you brought home a fox Dean.”

He feels himself blush bright red and he can’t help but peak over at Cas. His mom’s not wrong.

“Guys, this is Castiel. I know you’re excited to meet him but can we do it inside, please?” His eyes are pleading with Bobby to take the reins here. But the old man is having too much fun watching the show.

“All right, that’s enough. Lets move this circus in the house!” Bobby calls to the girls and they walk to the door each wrapped under Dean’s arms. 

He looks back over his shoulder and Cas is staring up at the house. His eyes are red and Dean knows he was crying after their conversation earlier. God, what a life he’s had. He can’t imagine living on the street at only 8 years old! Dean vowed right there on the interstate, if he ever met Michael he’s kicking his ass. 

“Come on Cas, let’s get out of the cold!” He hollers over his shoulder, heart aching for his friend. Let me take care of you. I will never hurt you like that, I will only show you love, if you only let me.

Once inside, his mom and Jo break away and he turns to hug his dad. Bobby gives him a hard clap on the back, then he turns to shake Cas’s hand.

“It’s nice to meet you Mr. & Mrs. Winchester. Thank you for having me.” And Cas pumps Bobby’s hand with enthusiasm. 

Dean starts it interject but Bobby saves him. “You can just stick with Bobby and Ellen, Cas-ti-el. No need to be formal.” 

Dean rolls his eyes at his dad’s pronunciation, but secretly breaths a sigh of relief. With all Cas’s talk about family Dean never really got to share his family dynamic. He needs to rectify that soon.

Castiel smiles, “Well if we’re dispensing with formalities please call me Cas. Your son has been for the last three months basically without my permission.”

From the corner of the living room, he hears his brother give a snort of what can only be described as teenage indifference. Dean winks at the rest of them and turns dramatically.

“SAMMY! You’re getting so big! Gimme a hug!” And he holds his arms out wide. Grabbing his younger, taller, brother around the neck he attempts to wrestle a hug out of him.

“DEAN! Get off, lemme go! MOM!!” Sam hollers right in Deans ear and he’s temporarily stunned enough for Sam to escape. 

Dean looks up and Cas is staring at this ridiculous display of sibling shenanigans like a man in a foreign country. He looks so confused it hurts Dean’s heart a little. He never really had this did he?

“Cas this charming display of hormones is Sammy.” Dean bows comically and Sammy rolls his eyes.

“It’s Sam, and hi.” He smiles slyly at Dean. “So are you my brother’s boyfriend?” 

All the air leaves the room in a instant, or at least it feels like it to Dean. His lungs deflate and he may be gaping like a fish. What a little brat!

“We’re just roommates,” Cas answers amicably. And Dean’s heart falls a little. Not that he expected a love confession but Cas didn’t even hesitate.

“Did you hear that Jo? They are roommates!” Sam looks over at his sister and she puts on a shocked face.

“Roommates? That’s not what I heard!” She crows. 

Dean would kill for a tornado right now. Just take the whole neighborhood...

“Hey! If you’ve all finished, I’m sure Cas would like to get settled.” Ellen glares at her children. 

“Right! Thanks mom. We’ll just take our things upstairs.” Dean grabs Cas’s bag and practically drags him up the steps. 

“Pizza’s here in 45 minutes!” She calls and smiles at the sound of clomping feet on the stairs.

“Sorry about my brother, 16 is just such a fun age right?” Dean winces before the words even have time to settle. 16, that’s when Cas was kicked out. He probably never even got the chance to be bratty. 

“Dean, you don’t have to watch everything you say. I’m a perfectly functional adult. And I should know, I’m a psychology major remember?” Cas smiles.

“Did you just make a joke?” Dean is floored. “You never make jokes! Not on purpose!” And he laughs out loud.

“Shut up, show me where my bed is.” Cas chuckles.

“Right here, this is where the magic happens!” And Dean ceremoniously throws open the door to his childhood room.

“Oh my God... you’re the biggest dork in the world. Even Ed and Harry aren’t this bad!” Cas is looking around gob smacked.

Dean’s room is a shrine to the pop culture itself. Movie posters adorn almost ever square inch of wall. He has a massive record collection and dual players. Two twin beds boast colorful sheets with GI Joe and Night Rider in full display. There are collectibles and action figures on the shelves, most still in boxes. 

Dean just grins. His childhood room is his pride and joy. The only reason his apartment doesn’t have ALL of this is there isn’t enough shelf space.

“Now Cas I know what you’re thinking; and the answer is my bed is the Night Rider one.” He cackles and flops down on the springy mattress.

Cas rolls his eyes and sits down on the bed opposite him. He looks around and shakes his head. Trying very hard to suppress a smile. 

“You really love it here don’t you?” Cas isn’t talking about the bedroom. He’s talking about his home, and his family. Dean wishes he knew what he could say to let Cas know he wants him to be part of it.

“Sure, I mean it wasn’t all Brady Bunch here. Plenty of growing pains all around.” He smiles fondly at Cas. You need a family, let me be your family.

“So, pizza and movies tonight. Then tomorrow is football and feasting! I have to get up with mom about 5:00 to help with the turkey but I’ll try not to wake you.” He kind of just realized they’d be sleeping in the same room. Did Cas mind? He never even asked him.

“I’d say that’s nice of you to help, but I know how much of a control freak you are in the kitchen.” Cas laughs and Dean launches a pillow in his direction. It hits him square in the face!

Cas’s expression is a mix of shock and delight. He leans back and grabs the pillow off the floor. Slowly raising it up as if to ask Dean, are we really doing this?

Dean waggles his brows, “Bring it on.”


	10. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everlong, Foo Fighters 
> 
> If everything could ever be this real forever  
> If anything could ever be this good again  
> The only thing I'll ever ask of you  
> You've got to promise not to stop when I say when

Cas can’t remember the last time he laughed this much. His face, physically hurts from smiling.

Dean’s family is loud and warm. Each conversation is a story, which piggybacks to another. He feels like he’s known them for years.

Bobby is a man of few words, but when he speaks they all listen. And, in Cas’s opinion, he has a big crush on his wife.

Ellen runs the show. The kids, and her husband all fall in line. It seems like she remembers a hundred things at once. Moving from chore to conversation to scolding without breaking stride. She reminds Cas of a very loving steamroller.

Sam and Jo are pretty cute kids, when they’re not bickering, or teasing, or asking Cas a million questions. Like about his school work, or his family, or Dean. 

And unsurprisingly Dean is the glue that holds them all together. Each of them has their own special relationship with him. He can talk cars with his father, cooking with his mother; movies, tv, and music with the younger two. 

They love each other, like real love. There’s no undercurrent of anger or deceit. No guilt or manipulation. If Cas didn’t like them all so much he’d probably puke.

They’re sitting down to pizza at the family’s dining room table. Both he and Dean look a little out of breath from the impromptu pillow fight upstairs. He grins again. The joy Dean radiates is magnetic. He can’t help but feel it too. His early nerves about meeting Dean’s family long forgotten.

He’s chatting with Sam about his college choices for next year when Dean stands up and clinks his pop can. They all turn.

“So I just wanted to say that I’m really glad to see you guys. And I’m going to miss you all terribly.” Everyone looks at Dean in confusion. Miss him? Where was he going?

“I’m going to miss you because I’ll be too busy editing the school paper to even think about visiting!” He can’t even finish before Ellen cries out in delight. They all push up from the table and start talking at once.

“Way to go man.” Sam the closest to Dean high fives his older brother.

Jo jumps up and down with glee. “I knew you’d get it!”

“You did it baby! You deserve it.” Dean’s mom hugs him hard. 

Bobby, who ducked out of the room briefly, returns with a bottle of champagne and they all toast to Dean’s new role.

Cas catches Dean’s eye across the table and whispers “congratulations.” And Dean smiles even wider.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The movie’s over, the popcorn and champagne has been put away. Cas is handed a fresh glass of wine and told to sit back in the family room. Dean heads out to the garage with his Dad to check on a problem with a carburetor or something. 

Cas is too comfortable in the cozy family room to care he’s been abandoned.

The younger two kids get sent off to bed. Whines and protests over it being a holiday weekend and having a guest in the house duly ignored. 

Ellen walks back in with her own glass and sits next to Cas. He visibly shrinks deeper into the couch.

“Relax honey, I’m not going to give you the third degree about your intentions with my son.” She smirks.

He gaps at her like a fish. “Uh... um... so...” he trails off and glances around the room, definitely not trying to avoid being trapped in her maternal gaze. 

He spies a group of photos on the mantle and gets up to inspect them. Pure curiosity, not at all running away from Dean’s mother.

Typical family photos, Dean’s senior portrait, looking so fresh and young, his hair much shorter than it is now. A wedding photo of Bobby and Ellen, Bobby’s eyes gleaming with tears. The three kids on a boat dock with fishing poles perched in the bright blue water. And finally a handsome couple Cas doesn’t recognize, holding a very, very young Dean. The woman in the photo hugely pregnant, the man’s arms wrapped around the two of them. He takes it down to look closer and turns to ask Ellen about it but she’s come up right beside him.

She smiles, but her eyes are sad. She puts her arm around Cas and he feels a warmth in his chest he hasn’t felt in years, maybe ever. She nods her head at the picture in his hands. 

“Now I know what you’re thinking, there’s no way I’m a natural blonde.” She lets out a husky laugh.

“This isn’t you, or Bobby. But that’s Dean, his smile is the same.” Cas states calmly but his heart’s about to jump out of his chest.

“That, is John and Mary Winchester. Sam and Dean’s birth parents.” 

Cas is visibly confused, “Birth parents? but aren’t you...” he trails off. Thinking back to when they were introduced, Dean had a look of panic on his face but he dismissed it as jitters. He called them Winchester. They never corrected him.

“My last name is Singer, Dean and Sam’s is Winchester. Their parents died when Dean was about four and Sammy was just a baby.” She pauses and his heart sinks into her words like quicksand. 

“Bobby was their guardian, we met about two years later, got married, and then Joanna came along.”

He can’t speak, his head is filled with so many questions. What happened to them? Did Dean remember his birth parents? Why didn’t Dean tell me?

“I hope you won’t hold anything against Dean. It doesn’t come up very often and most people just assume he’s ours.” She smiles and touches the photograph. “He was so shy the first time I met him. I think he was as terrified as I was.”

“Yeah, well Tommy Hasselback told me you were probably an evil witch. All step mothers are witches right?” Dean is standing in the doorway watching them. His eyes are shining but he’s smiling. 

She laughs as Dean walks into the room, he pulls his mom in for a tight hug.

“You are the best mom any kid could’ve asked for. And I love you.” He presses a kiss to her hair, glancing at Cas over the top of her head. Cas has to look away, his eyes are burning and he can feel a lump rising in his throat.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Cas is sitting cross legged on the GI Joe sheets. He’s already changed into his black sleep pants and grey tee shirt. 

Dean’s in the adjacent bathroom and Cas can hear the water shut off. He walks out in flannel bottoms with hotdogs on them and a black shirt, he sits on the bed opposite Cas.

“Sorry if that got kind of heavy with my mom before. I think sometimes she’s get it in her head I’m going to... I dunno stop loving her or something.” Dean huffs out a laugh. He looks nervous, Cas can’t remember the last time Dean looked anything but joyful. 

The day after Halloween, the day you called him a drunk and told him you couldn’t forgive him. No, that’s over and done now. This is not the time for that. 

“Dean, I don’t think you need to worry. There is so much love in this house. Your family loves you so much.” Cas is still in awe of it. 

Dean blushes, “Thanks Cas. It means a lot to hear you say that.”

He meets Cas’s eye and the two men stare at each other for a beat. Cas breaks the eye contact first.

“Dean, you could have told me. About your birth parents. I would have understood.”

“Yeah well, it just hadn’t occurred to me.” Dean looks down and Cas can tell he’s not saying something.

“It didn’t occur to you?” What the hell does that mean?

“Yeah you know, it slipped my mind.” He’s totally lying now and Cas can feel his own temper spike.

“It slipped your mind, during a 5 hour car ride to this very house?” He’s raising his voice now but before he can continue Dean just snaps.

“You mean the car ride where you told me you were abandoned as a child?! How your brother forced you to live on the streets or in a crappy apartment because what, he couldn’t break your ‘family’ up?!” Dean explodes. His face is red and he’s coming up off the edge of the bed.

“Cas that story broke my fucking heart. If you think I could have, for a second, chimed in with ‘well that sucks, hey by the way I had two sets of parents who loved me’ then you’re an idiot!”

Cas is flabbergasted, he never thought of it that way. Dean was protecting him, he was letting Cas go through his own shit and kept his lesser problems to himself. Oh Castiel you are an idiot.

“Dean, I’m sorry. I didn’t think of it like that.” Cas’s cheeks burn in shame. He keeps hurting Dean over and over. “Do you want me to go sleep on the couch?”

“No, Cas of course not. Unless you want to leave?” Dean looks upset again, like he made a mistake in yelling at Cas.

“No I’d like to stay, I really want to try out these cool sheets.” He smirks and gets a small laugh out of Dean.

They both settle in and Dean clicks off the light.

The silence in the dark is deafening. 

“Do you remember them?” Cas wants to take it back as soon as it’s out of his mouth. It’s only going to cause Dean more pain. He’s not sure if Dean’s going to answer but then he speaks.

“I remember the songs my mom would sing to me. Not her voice but the words. I remember she had a little angel statue in my room. She used to tell me that an angel was watching over me. That it would keep me safe.” His voice sounds thick with tears but in the dark Cas can’t see his face.

“How did they die?” Cas can’t stop, he needs to know. He wants to know everything about Dean.

“There was a fire.” Dean whispers, “faulty wiring in the house or something. And in the middle of the night my dad pulled me out of bed, handed me Sammy, told me to get him to the neighbors. He went back for my mom... but they never came out.”

Dean is crying openly now and Cas can feel his own tears spill over. That brave little boy, Cas can’t imagine what it must have been like. How scared he must have been. Dean’s breath hitches in his chest and Cas can’t take it anymore.

He sits up and climbs out of bed. 

He takes the two steps toward Dean’s bed and sits on the edge.

“Cas what are you doing?”

Cas reaches out and turns on the lamp. Both men blink in the soft light of the bedroom. Dean sits up, his eyes are wide with confusion, tears streaming down his face.

Without a word Cas pulls Dean into a hard hug. His hands running over his back. He’s warm and he can feel Dean’s heartbeat drumming under the soft fabric of his shirt.

Dean embraces him back and slots his chin into Cas’s shoulder. Hot tears soak the fabric. And he lets out a shuddering sigh. 

Dean pulls back and rests his head on Cas’s forehead. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my family.” He whispers. “You were right, I have so much love in my life. I was worried how it would make you feel.”

“I’m sorry too. And I don’t blame you for trying to spare my feelings. I think we both messed up.” Cas replies. 

Dean looks up at him and smiles. “Yeah, we’re a couple of dopes.” 

“Total dullards.” Cas chuckles.

“A pair of morons.” Dean laughs.

They both grin in the glow of the lamp, they’re still somewhat embracing each other but neither of them seems to mind.

“Cas, I’m really glad you’re here.” 

“Me too.”

A minute goes by and they don’t atttempt to move. Instead Dean looks down at Cas’s mouth and back up to his eyes. Cas can see the muscles in his jaw tighten. He runs his hands over Dean’s shoulders and down his bare arms.

Dean shivers, and Cas can feel his stomach do a back flip. 

He places his hands on either side of Dean, leans in, and presses their mouths together. Dean closes his eyes and inhales deeply through his nose.

Cas parts his lips slightly and sucks Dean’s bottom lip between his own. And a small moan escapes the other man’s mouth.

Cas pulls back sharply. What just happened? He had put no thought whatsoever into that. He kissed Dean! 

Dean reaches out and puts a hand on the back of Cas’s neck. The other rests on his thigh.

“Cas...” Dean’s voice is rough. Struggling for control. “I really want to do that again.”

He cant speak, Dean’s hands are hot on his body and it feels like he’s about to burn up. Every cell in his body is crying out.

He nods and Dean pulls him quickly forward. Capturing his mouth in a crushing kiss.


	11. Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Name, Goo Goo Dolls
> 
> But you could hide beside me  
> Maybe for a while  
> And I won't tell no one your name  
> And I won't tell 'em your name

Cas’s tongue is in his mouth; and it feels freaking awesome. It feels better than anything he imagined all those time he thought about kissing Cas.

His run his hands through all that dark hair and he tugs experimentally; Cas quietly moans and Dean feels his cock swell. 

They’re sitting chest to chest; Cas’s legs are wrapped around his waist. It’s still not close enough.

Dean reaches down between their bodies and tugs on the hem of Cas’s shirt. Cas breaks the kiss and looks down. Dean raises his brows in a silent question. Cas nods and unlocks his arms from around Dean’s neck.

Dean pulls the shirt up and off, tossing it to the floor. He runs his eyes all over Cas’s chest. Drinking in the sight of his bare skin. His defined muscles. He shudders involuntary.

He peppers kisses along his neck and collarbone. Licking, tasting, Cas moans a little louder and Dean going to have to shut him up. His family’s asleep down the hall.

He kisses him hard. Tongues intertwining teeth scraping, he can feel Cas run his hands up the back of Dean’s shirt and start to tug. He shucks it off and the skin to skin contact pushes the boundaries of his control further. Cas bites and sucks at Dean’s neck, marking him with his mouth.

It’s his turn to cry out; Cas’s teeth and tongue torturing him slowly. He can feel the other man’s hands tease at the waistband of his pants. 

“Cas, we gotta stop. I cannot have sex in my parents house.” He pleads.

Cas quietly laughs into Deans chest and runs his teeth over a nipple. “Is that what you want Dean? You want me to stop?” The gravely voice shoots right to his dick and the last thing he thinks of is stopping.

“No, it is very much NOT what I want. But I also am terrified of my mother kicking both our asses.” Dean whispers harshly.

Cas pulls back, “You make a valid point.”

“Can you wait, till we get home? It’s only a couple days.” His eyes pleading with the other man.

Cas leans in and kisses him deeply. Dean can feel a promise in that kiss. Of so many more to come. 

“Alright, I can wait. Let’s go to bed. But scoot over.” Cas lifts up the blanket and slides in next to Dean.

“Seriously, you wanna share? There’s a whole empty bed right there.” But Dean’s already scooting and grinning from ear to ear. 

Cas spoons up against Dean and tucks his head onto his shoulder. Dean wraps an arm around him and pulls him closer. With Cas’s backside slotted against his, Dean is still achingly hard. But he’s doing his best to ignore it.

He sighs and leans over to Cas’s ear, lips brushing the soft shell, “Goodnight Castiel.”

“Goodnight Dean.” Cas whispers 

Dean falls asleep with a smile on his face.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Dean wakes slowly, it’s still dark out and with a warm body wrapped around him he feels disoriented, like he might still be dreaming.

He trails his hands through the other man’s hair and presses a kiss to his brow. Not a dream, Cas is here in his room and they kissed. Hell they made out! Dean smiles to himself. Last night was some kind of turning point. He didn’t know what that meant for him and Cas but he was looking forward to finding out. His eyes are closing again. It would be so easy to drift back off to sleep. Maybe coax a few early morning kisses from Cas later. Dean really wants to see those blue eyes when they first open up. 

But he hears soft feet pad downstairs; and he smells the coffee going. Slowly he tries to decouple their bodies but Cas’s arms are like a vise. He untangles himself and crawls out of bed. Grabs his shirt and heads for the door. 

Turning back in the light of the hall he marvels at Cas there in his childhood bed. The troubled look he usually wears smoothed out in a deep sleep. A smile spreads across his face as he tiptoes downstairs.

“Morning,” he calls out quietly. Mom’s already pulling out the cutting board and has a load of veggies on the counter to be cleaned and chopped. He can smell the herbs and spices she’s put out for the turkey. He walks over and wraps his arms around her tightly.

“Well good morning yourself. Didn’t think I’d see you this early.” She smirks and his ears burn hot. He jumps back sheepishly and goes to make a cup of coffee. 

“I said I’d be up, plus you know you’re not allowed to touch the pies. You’ve been banned remember?” He points at her sternly but chuckles thinking about the first thanksgiving they had together. She forgot to peel the sweet potatoes before hand. They all choked it down but the following year had store bought. At least till Dean was old enough to use the stove. 

Some of his fondest memories are in this kitchen. Ellen teaching him how to cook. Him experimenting more when he got brave enough. It’s one of his favorite things. 

“I know, I was just assuming you’d be cozied up with Castiel.” She laughs and he fumbles his mug. Hot coffee burning his fingers.

“Ow! What? Why... what makes you’d say that?” Super smooth Winchester. No this can’t be happening. They were quiet! They stopped! Ugh this is so embarrassing.

“No reason honey, just be safe.” And she sends him a wink. “Now, get to work. Those vegetables aren’t peeling themselves.” 

“Can I help?” Growls a voice from the door. Dean whips around to see Cas standing bleary eyed, frowning, with a ridiculous case of sleep hair. 

“Cas I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you up.” Poor guy, Dean knows he’s not a morning person. 

“No it’s okay, I mean you did wake me but I wanted to... I’d like to help you, please.” 

Deans heart warms in his chest. Cas looks so cute standing there and he woke up alone looking for him. He immediately walks over and hands Cas his cup of coffee. He turns to his mom and smiles.

“I dunno mom, you think he can handle it?”

She smiles and gestures with her peeler, “He looks like he can hold his own.”

She hands Cas the tool and a trash bin, “are you trained to use one of these bad boys?” She teases. Cas nods and yawns simultaneously. 

“Yes Mom.” Cas deadpans in perfect imitation of Dean and Ellen laughs.

“Great another smart mouth! so all the carrots and potatoes can get peeled, then we’ll test your chopping skills.” She runs a hand affectionately down his back and Dean can see Cas lean in to her touch. 

A warmth spreads through his whole body and settles around his heart. The feelings he has for Cas run so much deeper than the physical. He’s only just beginning to understand them. But seeing him in the house he grew up in, accepted so quickly by his family, he knows sooner or later he won’t be able to keep them locked inside.

Sooner or later he’ll have to tell Cas he’s falling in love with him.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The meal had been spectacular, if he did say so himself. The food, the conversation; he really took Cas’s words from yesterday to heart. There was a lot of love in this house. He needed to be more grateful for what he had. 

During dinner his sister strategically sat him so he was far away from Cas as possible. Which meant he didn’t have any opportunities to brush hands passing food around the table, or play footsie under it. 

Regardless he thought they all got the memo that something was going on between, despite Cas’s announcement that they were just friends. 

But if not, they definitely did after dinner. The younger four all went down to play video games in the basement. Cas wasn’t as familiar with the game system so he was already on the defensive. 

It probably didn’t help when his character died...for a third time.

“Can’t we just play a board game?” He whines.The younger two roll their eyes at his protests.

“Oh come on Cas you’re not that bad.” Dean affectionately runs a hand down his arm. Paying no attention to the two sets of brows that have been raised in silence next to him.

Cas is still pouting so Dean leans over a plants a long, noisy kiss on his lips. When he pulls away Cas’s face is beet red and volume level in the room is deafening.

Joanna jumps up on the couch, cackling in delight. 

Where as Sam pretends to gag onto the beanbag chair, screaming “My eyes! My eyes!”

Dean is loving every minute of this. Hopefully he can sneak a few more public displays before they go home. It doesn’t look good though when Sam parks his butt right on the couch between Cas and Dean.

“Comfortable Sammy?” His elbow currently lodged in Dean’s abdomen.

“Oh very,” He smiles politely at both of them. Dean tries to shift out from under the bulk of his not so little brother. But Jo plops down on his left and they are all smushed into one half of the couch.

It was going to be a long weekend.

As they finished off the game his younger siblings made it their mission to keep him and Cas physically apart the rest of the time. 

Heading up the stairs to bed Sam turned to him and loudly asks.

“I think you two might need a chaperone. Mom? Aren’t there rules about sleeping ing in the same room with your boyfriend?”

“Again he is not my boyfriend!” Dean protests but Ellen is already at the foot of the stairs.

“Samuel. Bed. Now.” She doesn’t even raise her voice but Sam shrinks about a foot.

“Yes ma’am.” And he lumbers off to bed.

“As for you two, I don’t think I need to explain what the rules are in this house. Do I?” She crosses her arms over her chest. Dean can feel his own self shrinking. Maybe she was a witch after all he thinks.

“No ma’am.” They both shake their heads in unison. Dean quickly starts up and Cas is right behind him.

Dressed in blue pants with dancing tacos on them Dean climbs into his bed. Cas is laying down on the other and looking at the door thoughtfully.

“Do you think she knows what happened last night?” He asks. It’s the first he’s acknowledged how close they got to crossing a line but it’s also the first time all day they’ve been alone.

Dean looks to the door and back at Cas. “Probably not, but she’s scary enough where I’m not too sure.”

“So, Um do you want to sleep in separate beds tonight?” Cas has a shy smile and Dean feels that warming in his chest again.

“Hell no! Get over here.” He scoots back and lets Cas settle in next to him.

They fit together like a puzzle; Dean just feels everything click into place when Cas is in his arms.

He plants a kiss, warm and inviting on Cas’s neck and the other man sighs, leaning back in to Dean’s body with his own. All of Dean’s glands sit up and take notice. 

“As tempting as you are Dean Winchester, I’m much more afraid of your mother than I’d like to admit.” Cas whispers.

“Me too” he whispers back, but pulls Cas closer to him. His glands can go cool off later. 

“Thank you for inviting me here Dean. I’m having the best time.” Cas’s voice is already soft with sleep and Dean can feel the heartbeat under his hand slow down.

“Me too Cas. I’m really glad you’re here.” And he brushes his nose through the thick brown hair. Smelling his own soap on Cas’s skin. God he’s going to pay for all this later. 

“G’night” Cas mumbles.

“Goodnight.” And Dean drifts off.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The weekend is over and time for reality to set in. Dean loads up the car with bags and a cooler full of leftovers. 

Dean slams the trunk and walks back to where his parents are hugging Cas goodbye. It looks like he’s going to be part of the family whether he likes it or not. 

His mom whispers something to Cas that he can’t make out and Cas smiles in return and thanks her.

“Hey now, none of this secret crap.” Dean frowns. 

“Watch your mouth, I’m still your mama.” She sasses back as he pulls her in a tight embrace.

“I love you so much.” He tells her.

“I love you too baby.” And she squeezes him back. “I’m so proud of the man you’ve become.”

His dad claps him on the back one last time. Dean’s eyes sting as he turns away. He didn’t think he had missed them this much. But these last few months had felt like a lifetime.

“I’ll call you guys soon.” He promises.

“Bye Cas-ti-el!” Yells Jo, she’s waving like a maniac from the door. And he waves back.

They get in the car and his family continues to wave as the drive down the road and out of sight.


	12. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Losing my religion, REM
> 
> That's me in the corner  
> That's me in the spot-light  
> Losing my religion  
> Trying to keep up with you  
> And I don't know if I can do it

Cas settles down for the car ride and closes his eyes. Dean’s family had been wonderful but this was the first bit of quiet he’s had in 4 days.

He feels Dean take his hand in his and he sighs. “I’m not going to say thank you again.”

Dean laughs, “Are you sure? It would only be the 100th time this weekend.”

Cas opens one eye and glares at the other man. “I’m allowed to be thankful, it’s part of the damn holiday!”

“You’re cute when you’re cranky you know that?” Dean smirks as Cas yanks his hand back and crosses his arms.

Cas growls and shuts his eyes again. “I’m not cranky, I’m just tired.”

“Yeah sure, whatever you say Cas-ti-el.”

“Ugh! That ones not going away is it?” He slumps farther in the seat. As if hiding from the pseudo-nickname Bobby gave him will help. “What’s your phrase again? Oh yeah, bite me!”

“Not a chance, personally I kind of like it.” Dean winks. He’s grinning from ear to ear.

He takes his hand again and draws it to his lips. Nibbling softly on Cas’s knuckles. “And besides, if you wanted me to bite you Cas, all you had to do was ask.”

Cas can feel his face flush scarlet. Since Wednesday night he and Dean have been dancing around that make out session.

Their words have taken on a double meaning. Their glances have gotten longer. Their touches linger. After Dean kissed him in front of his siblings Cas had to go run cold water on his face just to calm down. And he’s woken up achingly hard every morning, wrapped around Dean like a python.

It was ridiculous, he was a grown man. A grown man who’s had sex! A little flirting should not drive him this crazy.

Oh but it did, Dean had been driving him crazy since day one. The only difference was now that he was doing it on purpose it was a hundred times worse! Cas had been tortured slowly these last few months but now that Dean was aware, he was a constant assault to his system.

“You’ve been teasing me all weekend.” Cas grumbles.

Dean kisses his hand again. Caressing the tips of Cas’s fingers along his lips. “Do you want me to stop?”

“Not even for a minute.” Cas laughs. “But Dean, what is going to happen now? We live together. This is very abnormal.”

“We are abnormal.” He chuckles and waits a beat. “I’ve been thinking about it Cas and you know what I really wanna do?” Dean looks slightly embarrassed.

“I can think of a few things, but that’s not what you mean is it?” Cas asks.

“Ha, no. I mean yes I want to **_do_** a lot of things, with you. But what I meant was, I would really like to take you on a date. An old fashion dinner and a movie deal or whatever you want kind of date. Would that be okay with you?” He rushes the end and Cas can tell he’s nervous.

He pauses, as if thinking very hard. Inside he’s hugging himself with joy. “I’d like that very much Dean.”

“How about next Friday?”

“It’s game night, oh God Charlie is going to flip out.” Cas buries his face in his hands.

“Oh come on, it won’t be that bad!” Dean chuckles and tries to pull his hands away. Cas stares at him blankly.

“Really?” Cas deadpans.

“Ok fine it will be bad, she’s going lose her mind.” Dean admits. He starts laughing and Cas joins in.

Soon they’re both cracking up so bad Dean has to pull over. Cas has to wipe the tears from his eyes.

“Okay so Charlie’s impending meltdown aside, we’ll take things slow. We live together so we shouldn’t jump into anything too fast.” Dean reasons with himself.

“That makes sense; no rushing. We take our time.” And as much as Cas want to crawl right into Dean’s lap he knows it’s better this way.

Dean kisses his hand a third time and holds it as they make the journey home.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

For wanting to take things slow Dean was extremely affectionate the entire car ride.

Five hours of Dean running his hand through Cas’s hair. Dean sucking on his fingers, pulling the tips slightly into his mouth. Dean kissing him hard and quick on the mouth anytime traffic slowed.

At a rest area outside Omaha they get out for a quick pit stop. On the way back to the car Cas is suddenly yanked by the arm and Dean pushes him up against the side of the squat brick building.

“Dean what are you doing?” He stammers. Dean’s mouth already hot and wet on his throat. They’re hidden somewhat in the shadows of the building but Cas can hear cars, and families talking nearby. He can see people if he looks far enough to the side. They could be spotted at any moment.

“Cas if you gotta ask, I must not be doing it right.” Dean’s hot breath in his ear. He grabs his ass and grinds his hips forcefully into Cas’s. Waves of lust flow through him, but Dean doesn’t let up. His erection pressing heavily into Ca’s thigh.

He wraps his arms around Dean tightly, he can feel the other man’s heart hammering through his chest. Their mouths wrestling with each other for what seems like forever. Hands roaming all over Castiel’s body, every touch a little rougher. Dean kisses him deeply, drawing out another moan from Cas’s lips.

And then Dean just pushes him back and walks away like nothing happened.

Cas huffs out a breath and follows him to the car. And before his can even think Dean’s gunning the engine and they’re off on the road again. Cas feels hot under the collar, his skin flushed and sweaty.

Dean however looks calm and collected. He navigates the rest of the trip one hand resting on Cas’s knee. Slowly tracing circles with his fingers over the denim. Every so often moving his hand a little higher. By the time they were within the city limits Cas was so turned on he thought he might explode.

Cas shifts in his seat, the light pressure of Dean’s fingers tormenting him. He can feel his erection straining against his jeans. Just a little closer, just a little rougher, just a little faster. But Dean moves his hand farther away. Cas makes a whining sound in the back of his throat.

“You okay there Cas?” Dean’s voice waivers. Cas looks over and sees his jaw tightening. They make eye contact briefly but Dean has to focus on the road.

He runs his hand back up his thigh and barely brushes Cas’s cock. Cas jerks forward, his body seeking out a deeper touch.

“Dean, please.” He knows he’s begging but at this point doesn’t give a damn.

Dean laughs softly, “You want it Cas? You want me to jerk you off?”

Cas nods frantically, he can’t take it anymore. He grabs Dean’s hand in his own and places it over his fly. The sudden contact forces his body to press up, searching for more friction.

“Oh god yes!” He cries out, head falling back against the headrest in ecstasy.

Dean lets out a long breath. Cas can feel his buckle being undone. The cab of the car dead silent as Dean slowly pulls down his zipper and frees Castiel’s cock.

Cas’s mouth falls open as Dean wraps a hand around him, stroking him roughly. A low moan escapes his lips. Dean rubs his thumb over the tip and Cas’s hips lunge upward.

“Oh Cas, you’re already so hard for me.” Deans voice is in awe. “I wanna make you cum so bad baby.”

“I’m so.... I’m so close Dean.” Cas is practically panting. Dean doesn’t let up, one slow punishing stroke after another.

Dean tries to keep his eyes on the road but he keeps throwing glances at Cas. “God Cas you look so gorgeous like this. I’m gonna fuck you so good. Do you want me to Cas? You want me to fuck you?”

“Yes, fuck! Dean you have to drive faster, we have to get home... right now!” Cas moans louder and he know he doesn’t have much longer. Thank god they are rounding the corner of their street.

They speed up to the curb and Cas is out of the car before they even come to a stop. Dean slams the door and is right behind him. Bags forgotten they both run through the gate and to the front door.

Dean grabs Cas again in the hallway and slams him up against the wall. He shoves his tongue down his throat and Cas is moaning into Deans open mouth.

“The door, get the door Dean!” Cas bites his neck and Dean lets out a curse, fumbling with the lock. The phone in apartment rings. They both ignore it.

Once inside Cas tries to rip off any article of Deans clothing he can grab. Shirt flying; he wrenches open the fly on Dean’s jeans and falls to his knees in front of him.

“You gonna suck me off Cas?” Dean’s hands are already in his hair, tugging hard. The phone is ringing again. He wishes whoever it was would go away.

“It’s your turn to suffer a little Dean.” Cas smirks.

Cas pushes the other man’s pants down and smiles in admiration at the sight of Deans rock hard dick in front of him.

He spares a glance up and Dean thumps his head back against the wall. He takes him into his mouth as far back as he’ll go and Dean cries out.

“Oh fuck Cas!”

Cas starts to suck and Dean’s hands tighten in his hair. Pulling himself deep into Cas’s mouth.

Cas’s hand falls to his throbbing cock between his own legs and pumps it up and down. He moans around Dean, humming with desire. The phone rings again... fuck go away!

“You gonna cum for me Cas? Cum with my dick in your mouth? God you feel so good.” Dean fucks harder into Cas’s mouth and Cas can feel himself about to lose control. His pulse is racing; pounding in his temples.

“I’m gonna cum baby, oh fuck Cas I’m cumming.” And Dean empties himself in the back of his throat as Cas’s own orgasm rips through him, spilling out into his hand.

He pulls off of Dean and both men are panting. The phone starts ringing, for a fourth time.

“Fuck! Seems like someone really wants to talk to us...” Dean has a giant grin on his face and because Cas hasn’t moved to get off of his knees he reaches in the kitchen to pick up the ringing phone.

Cas starts trailing kisses up Dean’s waist and stomach, Dean twitching with the overload of sensations. Cas feels himself getting hard, his dick all too eager to start again. He ignores whoever Dean is talking to on the phone and continues teasing Dean’s sensitive skin with his tongue.

“Hello?”

“Yeah he lives here.”

“He’s a little busy right now buddy.”

“Okay, okay. Who’s calling?”

“Prick.” Dean puts the phone to his chest. He smiles down at Cas and runs a hand through his hair. Cas sucks an impressive hickey into Dean’s hip with a satisfying pop.

“There’s a call for you, sounds important. You know a guy named Jimmy Novak?”

Castiel’s whole world shatters.


	13. Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***TAG WARNING***  
> This warning is not in the tags because it’s a big spoiler. I wanted to keep it a surprise but I don’t want to scare anyone. 
> 
> This chapter deals with a sexually transmitted disease, a very serious one. Please be mindful of the themes present.
> 
> I apologize if it’s not your thing or you weren’t expecting it. 
> 
> This will be present for 2-3 chapters, but this story has a happy ending and no character death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Desperately Wanting, Better than Ezra
> 
> I remember running through the wet grass  
> Falling a step behind  
> Both of us never tiring  
> Desperately wanting

Cas looks like he’s seen a ghost. He reaches out blindly to take the receiver and when he brushes Dean’s hand his skin is ice cold.

Dean’s heart pounding from the mind blowing orgasm he just had. He braces himself against the wall as he listens to Cas’s side of the conversation.

“Jimmy?”

“How did you...”

“Don’t worry about who it was. Why are you calling?”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“What?!”

“Are you serious?”

“It’s not a fucking joke Jimmy. Are you being serious right now?”

“No, I don’t understand. When did this happen?”

“You can’t do this!”

Cas looks down at the phone. Clearly this Jimmy guy could do that because he hung up on Cas. Cas’s eyes well with tears.

“Hey, Cas is everything okay?” He wants so badly to help. To take that pain out of Cas’s face.

“No, it’s not.” His voice is cold.

“Who was that?” He’s afraid to know the answer. He’s never heard Cas sound like this. He kneels down on the floor next to Cas.

Cas sighs and finally meets Dean’s eyes. “Jimmy is my ex. We broke up about 6 months ago. We dated for over a year, but I ended it when I caught him in bed with someone else.”

“So why is he calling now? How did he even know where you lived?” Dean tries to cull the fear from his voice, but Cas looks so upset he’s having a hard time.

“He must have called the bar, pretending to be someone from school. Mick and Ketch would **_never_** have given him my number here.” Cas shoves his hands through his hair, he’s looking around like he forgot where he was.

“Cas... Why did he call? You’re freaking me out.” Dean’s passing fear on the way to anger in a hurry.

“Dean...” he trails off. “I’m sorry. I can’t talk about this right now. I have to go.” Castiel lurches forward but Dean grabs him by the arm.

“What are you talking about man?” He tries to dial it back but he can’t keep the hurt out of his voice. “Cas, don’t do this. Please.”

“You don’t understand, I can’t stay. You shouldn’t want me here.” Tears fall down Cas’s cheeks and Dean pulls him in close.

“I always want you here, please just talk to me. We can fix it.” Dean pleads.

“No... no.. you can’t fix it. Please Dean just let me go.” Cas tries to pull away but a Dean won’t let him. Terror is gripping his heart in its wicked claws. He can’t let Cas walk out that door. Not after this weekend. Not after he’s realizing how he truly feels.

“Cas tell me. You’re scaring me.” Dean can feel his own tears spill over.

Cas lets out a watery sigh. “Jimmy called because he’s sick. He said he has been for a while...”

Sick? Why would he call for that? Dean doesn’t understand. But something in the back of his mind starts buzzing. And Cas’s voice gets farther and farther away.

“He has HIV. And he might have... he may have contracted it while we were still together.” He hangs his head in shame.

Dean can only stare; he doesn’t know what to say. Cas was right, he can’t fix this. What are they going to fucking do?

“I might have HIV.” Cas whispers; “I could already be sick... I could get you sick Dean.... I have to go.” The reality of his words turns Dean’s belly to ice. Any words of comfort or hope wither in his mouth like ash. His arms fall limply to the floor.

Cas bolts for the doorway, Dean tries to grab for him but he’s out of reach and almost out the door.

“CAS!” Dean cries out. But he’s gone. He hears the footfalls on the stairs. The door slamming. Dean looks around the apartment, what the hell just happened? Half an hour ago they were kissing and everything was perfect.

He stands; knees wobbly, he feels as though he ran a million miles. His body broken out in a cold sweat.

He walks into the kitchen, takes out a bottle and glass, he pours a generous amount of whiskey. It’s gone in two long gulps. Dean stares at the empty glass in his hand. The burn in his throat, the ache in his heart; it’s all too much.

The glass flies through the air and shatters against the wall.

Dean falls to his knees and sobs.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Dean is laying face down on the sofa when there’s a knock at the door. He jumps up quickly, thinking, hoping Cas came home. But when he flings open the door he’s surprised to see Ketch standing on his doorstep.

“Good morning Dean.” The older man waits for Dean to let him in. Dean looks past him in confusion as he ushers him inside.

“I thought you might be Cas. He never came home last night.” Dean would have known. He tried to stay awake all night waiting. The clock on the wall ticking off the minutes one by one. The dawn breaking through their apartment windows.

Yesterday he woke with Cas in his arms. Today he woke up alone; Cas was gone and Dean didn’t know when he was coming home.

“He’s going to be staying with us for the time being.” Ketch frowns at Dean. “I’m here to collect a few of his things.”

“I didn’t kick him out you know, he left. He said he couldn’t stay here. Not me!” Anger radiates through Dean’s body.

“I know that Dean. Castiel explained what happened as best he could. Mick and I came to the conclusion he was too ashamed to stay here. He’s not, and we’re not, blaming you by any means.” The older man clapped a hand on his shoulder.

“What’s going to happen now? Is he going to come back?” Deans voice beaks, the thought of never seeing Cas again is too much to bear.

“I don’t know Dean. This news from James has devastated him, he worried for himself, and even for the person James used to be to him. Even though that arsehole doesn’t deserve any pity.” Ketch spit out the last part.

“The guy sounded like a real jerk on the phone.” Dean frowns.

“James is a user Dean. He showered Castiel with love and affection only to rip it away at a moment’s notice. He benefited the fact Castiel was afraid of abandonment to leech off him far longer than we thought would be possible. When Castiel finally realized he was being manipulated and cheated on he broke it off. In retaliation, James threw a brick through the window of the bar and caused some minor property damage.”

Dean is speechless. He can’t imagine Cas being manipulated by anyone. Ketch continues.

“But in regards to his current situation I’m sure he’s going to be fine. We’re already talking to a doctor and he’s going for a test this week.” Ketch sounds almost as if he’s convincing himself which does nothing to reassure Dean.

“Can you tell him something for me? Please.” Eyes pleading with Ketch to hear him out.

“Of course. What’s the message?”

“Just tell him that I’m here when he’s ready to come back. That he always has a home here. Tell him I’m not Michael.” He stands firm, his eyes daring Ketch to defy him.

“I’ll relay that to him. Dean, I don’t know how much Cas has told you about his life...”

“He told me enough.” Dean interrupts.

“Whatever he told you, just know that, even to this day, Castiel still blames himself for his mother’s death. And for splitting up his family when Michael kicked him out. No matter how much good is in his life he only sees the bad. He only sees he’s not worthy of love.” His voice waivers as he struggles to maintain composure; which was very unlike Arthur Ketch.

“He’s worthy of mine.” Dean says, anger rising, tears threatening to fall. Ketch holds a hand up in peace.

“Hold on to that anger Dean. Castiel doesn’t want it now. But in time he’ll need it. He’ll need you to fight for him. For whatever you are to each other.” Ketch strides past him and goes to Cas’s room.

Dean sits and stares out the window for a long time, long after Ketch leaves, long after the sun goes down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also a note, Cas’s last name is not Novak in this fic. I know it most frequently is when people write of “human Cas” I hope that didn’t confuse anyone.


	14. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long December, Counting Crows
> 
> And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe  
> Maybe this year will be better than the last  
> I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself to hold on to these moments   
> as they pass

Cas has been walking around for hours. He couldn’t even remember what direction he was going when he ran out of the apartment. His only goal to get away; put some distance between himself and that fucking phone call.

God he’s so stupid; he should have gotten tested after he caught Jimmy cheating. Now he could already be sick, he could have gotten Dean sick. His mind is screaming a hundred different things at once. He doesn’t know what to do.

The wind is bleeding into his thin coat; he’ll have to head inside soon. But he can’t go back to the apartment... not now anyway. Maybe not ever. 

He stops walking and looks around. He’s on a unfamiliar street in a part of town he doesn’t frequent. He heads north; towards the main roads. He should be able to find something to tell him where he is.

Eventually he makes it to a street he knows and he’s not too far from campus. It’s late in the evening so there’s hardly anybody out walking around and few cars on the road. He’s about 2 miles from the bar. His uncles flight got in yesterday so they should be home. But he’s unsure about that too.

He’ll have to tell them everything. He’ll have to see Mick’s eyes soften as he tries to find some silver lining. He’ll have to hear Ketch yell about “that bastard James” as he paces around the whole house. 

They’ll be disappointed; he fucked up again because of Jimmy. Now he’s fractured their relationship even more. 

He rests his head in his hands and he can feel the burn of tears behind his eyes. It’s all catching up to him now. 

The ecstasy he felt when Dean was touching him. 

The utter shock when heard Jimmy on the other end of the phone.

The disbelief of what he told him.

The shame that burned through him like wildfire.

The fear that he may die from this. 

He let’s out a strangled sob, holding himself tight as much from the cold as to absorb the pain. He feels too afraid to continue. He wants to run farther away; he wants to outrun the hurt and the fear that has plagued him well before tonight. Somewhere where he can put all these bad memories away for good. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It’s practically midnight so he doesn’t let himself in to his uncles’ home as he normally would have done. Cas knocks on the back door and waits. Feeling out of place and unwelcome he stands on their porch his hands in his pockets. The cold has permeated his whole body and he’s definitely shivering.

The light comes on and Mick is the one to open the door. 

“Castiel? Is everything alright?” Mick’s face is a mix of annoyance and worry. Cas doesn’t turn up at odd hours, certainly not in a very long time.

“No it’s nnn...not. Ccc...can I come in? I’m in ttttrr....trouble and I can’t fff... feel my toes.” Cas’s teeth chatter and Mick quickly lets him in. The door closes on the bitter cold behind him.

He walks past Mick and right to the kitchen. Without asking starts making coffee. “You may want to go get Ketch, this is going to take awhile.”

Mick looks bewildered but he shuffles off to get his partner, who Cas assumes was still in bed. 

Ketch comes storming in half a second later in his pajamas and robe; looking like an advertisement for fashionable men’s sleepwear. However he’s scowling in Cas’s direction intensely. 

“I’m sorry I woke you both up. I had nowhere else to go.” Cas’s voice trembles and he pushes down the despair that threatens to consume him. He needs to get this out, he can’t break down again.

“Well I’ll have to assume it’s something of great importance seeing as it’s the middle of the bloody night.” Ketch is moody but he has every right to be. Cas could have waited till morning. No this was the right thing to do, he needs help.

“Ketch, look at the boy...” Mick lays a hand on his partners shoulder. He brought Cas a blanket and wraps it around him. Cas can feel the tears sting his eyes again.

“Im sorry, again, but I got a call as soon as we got back into town.” He takes a deep breath. Maybe if he just says it, it won’t be so bad. 

“It was Jimmy, he called me. He’s HIV positive.” He lets the news hang in the air, waiting for both men the respond. 

“Oh dear God, I’m going to kill him.” Ketch sits down hard in the kitchen chair.

“You’re sure he wasn’t lying Castiel? The boy is known to fabricate the truth to his benefit.” Mick looks as if he’s trying to convince himself of that very fact.

Cas shakes his head. “I don’t think a lie this big would benefit him in any way. Plus he didn’t ask to see me. Just told me the news and told me to go fuck myself.” He laughs in dismay. The audacity of Jimmy sometimes was staggering. 

“Well that’s bloody perfect after the way he’s treated you, bastard.” Ketch is up again and pacing. Predictable as a sunrise. 

“We we can help you arrange the appointment and go with you, if you’d like, to get your test.” Mick looks to his partner and he nods in agreement. 

“Thank you.” Cas sighs, he knows he made the right choice coming here. But the enormity of the situation has him still uneasy. 

“What about Dean? What did he have to say?” Ketch asks him. 

“I uh, I didn’t really give a chance to say anything. I just told him what Jimmy said and that I had to go.” Cas thinks back; and suddenly his mind is unbelievably clear.

He looks at his uncles in disbelief. “I just left him there. I dropped a fucking bomb on him and I ran.” 

Oh God.  
Oh no.  
No this is bad.

“Was he upset with you?” Mick tries to give Cas an out but he shakes his head.

“No, I mean he was upset about me leaving. But he wasn’t upset with me. He said we could fix it. He begged me to stay.” Eyes wide and unfocused. He’s picturing Dean’s face in his mind. The heartbreak he put there. 

“Oh shit, I just left, I didn’t even say goodbye.” The enormity of the situation, the pain he’s feeling, the hurt he caused Dean, it all overwhelms him. He bursts into tears and lays his head on the table. His body shudders with sobs and he can feel Mick come put his arms around him.

“You need some sleep Castiel, come on, let’s get you to bed.” And he pulls the young man up out of the chair. Body limp like a rag doll. He guides him to the guest bedroom and helps pull his shoes off.

Cas lays down and Mick covers him with a old quilt. Cas hasn’t said a word, he can feel the tears streaming down his face. Mick pats him lightly on the shoulder and leaves the room.

Cas lays there in the dark; unmoving, unblinking. He lays there for a very long time. His only thought is of the previous night, Dean kissing him and holding him in that impossibly tiny bed. He had never spent a more peaceful night then when he was wrapped up in Dean’s arms. He may never have that against. His weary eyes finally close and sleep takes him.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

He wakes with a start. The afternoon sun pierces his eyelids. Cas abruptly sits up and his body fights the sharp movement. His stomach recoils and his head pounds. 

“Ugh, what’s going on?” He looks around the room. Ketch is leaning against the doorframe. 

“I thought you might want to get up, it’s nearly 2:00.” His eyes trained on Castiel.

He flops back down on the mattress, he doesn’t want to get out of bed. He doesn’t want to do anything. If he does stuff he starts thinking, if he starts thinking then he’s thinking about the world as he knows it collapsing around him.

“I didn’t ask for a wake up call.” He grumbles and wipes the sleep from his face. His mouth feels like sandpaper and his eyes gritty. He feels hungover, but he knows he had nothing to drink.

“No you certainly didn’t, but you’ll do well to remember we have rules in this house. And one of them is no sleeping past noon.” Ketch doesn’t even bother to raise his voice, he’s never been that kind of disciplinarian. 

If Dean’s mother is a loving steamroller, Ketch is more of black ops interrogator. He will break you, it’s just only a matter of time.

Cas groans and stretches, his body aching with fatigue. He needs a shower, a gallon of coffee, and possibly 18 more hours of sleep. 

“I’m sorry I broke the rule, I hoped you’d make an exception given the circumstances.” Cas’s voice drips with sarcasm.

“I didn’t miss that tone one bit Castiel.” And he turns to go. “Oh if you’re after a shower I suppose you’ll need this.” He tosses Cas’s travel kit at him.

Cas fumbles it and it falls on the bed next to him. He stares at it and cocks his head to the side, the sight of the bag causing the synapses in his brain to misfire.

“This is mine... where did you? When did? Is Dean here?!” He rising now, if Dean might be in the house or even on this block he’s going run to him at full speed.

“I went to the flat to get you some things, I spoke with Dean while I was there.” Ketch holds up a hand to stop the impending bum rush.

Cas gulps, “what did he say?” His heart clamoring in his chest.

“Why don’t you get cleaned up, I’ll put the kettle on and we’ll at talk about that conversation or at least talk about what’s next for you. Dean did have a message for you. When’re you’re ready I can relay what he said.” Theres pity in his eyes and Cas has to look away.

What could Dean have possibly wanted to say? He abandoned him; he shoved him down. He possibly infected him with an incurable disease that wipes out thousands of gay men every year! Dean wouldn’t want anything to do with him at this point. He needed to let Dean alone for a while. 

“I’m not really up for that conversation now, I guess.” Cas shrugs trying to come off as noncommittal but inside he’s a storm of confusion and hurt. Whatever Dean had to say it can’t have been good.

“It’s going to be alright Castiel.” Ketch leaves Cas still sitting on his bed. Still fully dressed from the night before. The lump in his throat loosens and a few tears fall on the quilt around his waist.

“I don’t think I’ll be alright for a long time...” Cas whispers to himself. He grabs the kit and heads off to the shower.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The warmth of the water soothes Cas’s tired muscles. Even if it doesn’t nothing for his mental state. But he feels physically better now that he’s seated on the couch in the living area along Mick and Ketch in their high back chairs. All three men sit in silence for a few moments, the clock ticks on the wall, steam rises from three tea cups on the antique coffee table. 

“Right, so do you need us to contact a doctor for the test or will you be handling that on your own?” Mick asks, raising his cup to his lips.

“I have a primary doctor so I’ll just make an appointment.” Cas nods.

“Today. You’ll make the appointment today.” Ketch replies, leaving little room for argument.

“Yes I can call now if you have nothing else you want to say to me.” He looks at both of them confused. Why did they want to come in here if they didn’t have anything else to discuss?

His uncles’ silence speaks volumes across the living room. Their eyes hold an entire conversation in seconds without saying a word. 

“Dean mentioned that you talked to him about Michael. I have to assume you told him everything?” Ketch stirs his tea.

Cas prickles at the accusation. “I told him enough.” He snaps and Ketch sighs.

“That’s exactly what he told me. ‘You told him enough’. And he made it a point to tell me that he wasn’t Michael; as if we thought he was.”

Castiel’s heart falters at this. Hadn’t he put Dean in a situation to defend himself like that? He kept hurting the ones he cared for; over and over again. 

“I only told him because he asked about my family.” Cas sighs 

“But you told him about your father too? Back on Halloween.” Mick reminds him. He didn’t just tell Dean, he compared Dean to his father. Even implied Dean might have a drinking problem. 

“Yes, and I apologized for that on our trip. I told Dean he wasn’t my father and those are my issues to work through. I didn’t mean to hurt him.” His fists are clenched at his sides. How many more people is he going to hurt because of his choices?

“Castiel, we had no idea you still felt this way. We don’t think you truly meant to hurt Dean. And we don’t think you’re to blame for your brother’s choices. His choices Castiel, not yours.” Mick lays a hand on his shoulder.

Cas just shakes his head. He knows there’s so much stuff to unpack with his entire upbringing. His father left a permanent mark on Castiel’s soul. It’s left him to always wonder if he’s good enough for anyone. If he’s the one who was lacking. Michael fed off that fear. He used to keep Castiel close to him until he wanted nothing to do with him.

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to keep feeling these things. But what more can I do?” His eyes pleading with his uncles for help.

“We may have a suggestion.” Cas can hear the trepidation in Ketch’s voice. 

“What is it? I’m open to anything.” He sighs defeatedly. 

“How would you feel about seeing a therapist?” Mick inquires.

“A therapist? You’re back on that kick again huh?” He frowns. When he first moved in with them they had brought this up. Castiel had been so angry with his brother. At the betrayal of being cast out by the one person who was supposed to protect him. He took that anger out on everyone and everything.

“Did you or did you not say you’d be open to anything?” Ketch raises a brow. 

He had just said that very thing. Therapy wasn’t a bad thing; at the time he had been too young and too stubborn to appreciate what his uncle’s had been offering to him. A chance to let go of all that hurt, all the guilt, a chance for redemption. If he was going to earn back Deans trust he needed to prove himself.

“Alright, I’ll do it. Any suggestions of who I should talk to?” He looks from one man to the other. 

They both smile rather like the way sharks probably smile when a seal is close by. Mick pulls out a small notepad from his jacket pocket. 

“I’m glad you asked; here are several names and numbers of psychologists we found for you.”


	15. Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brick, Ben Folds Five
> 
> She's a brick and I'm drownin' slowly  
> Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere  
> She's a brick and I'm drownin' slowly

Two weeks later.

Snow is flying and swirling around the street corner. Dean waits outside the Chinese place for Charlie to finish picking up their takeout order.

He takes a deep breath and inhales the cold December air. He can’t say that he feels great; but he feels better. It was getting easier. Easier to get out of bed, easier to go to class, easier to eat. But there was still that deep ache in his chest. It hadn’t left him since the night Cas walked out. And an inexplicable anger that kept banging at the door in his head. It was waiting, for any opportunity to be let out.

He hadn’t heard from him; but Dean hadn’t tried to call either. He knew Cas wanted to be left alone.

He was waiting; he was holding on. But every day that passed he got a little more angry. And he knew soon he’d have to do something about it; he’d have to fight to get Cas back in his life.

The door opens behind him and Charlie comes out with three giant bags. It’s game night and it was their turn to feed the horde.

“Here, lemme take those.” He reaches out to relieve her of two of them. They make the trip back in companionable silence, which is good cause Dean’s not much for talking lately. He’s only coming to game night because Charlie basically threatened to call his mother about what had been going on. He needed to try harder, he needed to get back to normal. Whatever that was now that Cas was gone.

“So what’s on the docket for tonight Charlie?” He tries to break the ice.

“Nothing specific...” she trails off and avoids his eye. She’s been cagey around him for days now.

When they get to the apartment he stops her. They stand in the glow of twinkling lights that were strung up all over the building. The willow tree trussed up in strands of white and red.

“Charlie what’s going on? You’ve been acting weirder than usual.”

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it Dean.” She brushes past him into the building.

“It’s not nothing. I know when you’re lying! He shouts up the stairs at her.

“Im not lying!” She shouts back as they open her apartment door. Meg is setting up the various drink paraphernalia; her eyes widen as the pair come in fighting.

“Hey! I thought the only yelling allowed on game night was if someone cheats at Trivial Pursuit. What’s going on you two?”

“Charlie’s hiding something.” Dean tattles like a 7 year old. He doesn’t care how it sounds, she is hiding something from him. He can feel it.

“Charlie is that true? Meg arches a brow and after a beat Charlie folds like a deck of cards.

“Argh!! Fine, I wasn’t going to tell you; I invited Cas to game night. But he’s not coming.” She pulls off her hat and coat. Shoving them forcefully in the closet.

Deans heart stutters in his chest. Every beat; Cas. Cas. Cas. He looks at her and whispers, “You saw him? He said he’s not coming?”

She sighs, “No. Not exactly.... So I went to the bar hoping to talk to him. Don’t give me that look Dean, he’s my friend too.” He blinks, clearly he needs to try better to control his facial expressions.

“Anyway, I went there and his uncle wouldn’t let me up. So I tried to charm him with my womanly wiles....” she chuckles but no one laughs.

“Okay so I begged. But he still said no.” She explains. “So I just asked to leave Cas a message. I told him we all missed him and that even if he didn’t want to live here he was still welcome at game night. And I said we were having one tonight. So yes I was hiding that but I didn’t want to tell you since I got nowhere. I’m sorry Dean.”

She folds her arms across her chest and Dean pulls her into a big hug. His eyes stinging. Damnit Charlie, he wants to say. Why didn’t you tell me?

“Thanks Charlie; for trying. I’m sorry I yelled at you.” He sniffs and turns away.

“I also went to see him.” Meg adds. And they both turn to look at her. “He’s my friend too.” She smiles, throwing Charlie’s words right back out.

“And?! Did he see you?” Dean’s feeling incredulous now. Did everyone go see Cas except him? Did Harry and Ed go too? What would Cas think about Dean not showing up. Maybe he shouldn’t have given him space.

“No he wouldn’t see me either. Or his sexy uncle just wouldn’t let me in.” She sighs. “I left a message as well. That he needed to get off sulking ass and come home.”

She looks sadly at Dean. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys.”

Dean feels his heart hammering; the hurt he’s pushed down threatening to come boiling out.

“I uh, just remembered I left something back at my place. I’ll be right back.” He turns to go, he’s got to get away from their staring eyes. Away from their pity, the thoughts of Cas refusing to come home crushing him like a boulder.

He bolts across the hall. Doors slamming in his wake. Once in the privacy of his own space he leans against the wall and slides down to the floor.

The tears he held in all day fall and his body wracks with sobs. It seemed inevitable; Castiel was never coming back.

Either he was sick and too ashamed to face Dean or he wasn’t and wanted nothing to do with him now. Regardless he didn’t even give Dean the courtesy of a phone call. Never even came back to collect the rest of his things.

He probably reconciled with Jimmy. He could just see it. The two of them laughing over what a fool Dean was. Thinking he was falling in love. He was an idiot.

A surge of anger flares inside him like a blaze. No one was going to laugh at him. And he’s make damn sure Cas knew being his friend was off the fucking table.

Screw game night, he was going to go over to that bar and Cas was going to talk to him. One way or another. He wasn’t going to take this silent treatment any longer.

He flings opens the door, ready to wage war and Cas is standing there hand raised to knock. Cas jumps back in surprise and Dean freezes.

“Cas? What are you doing here?” Dean can’t believe his eyes.

Cas inhales sharply; “Hello Dean.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Cas looks terrible. It’s the first thought through his mind when his brain starts working again. His eyes are tired and hollow. He looks as if he lost weight, his coat hangs off of him. Cas looks like he’s been through hell. Like maybe he’s sick. Oh God, maybe he was sick?

“Can I come in? I was hoping we could talk before everyone gets here.” Cas can barely meet Dean’s eyes.

“Everyone?” Dean stares in confusion.

“Tonight is game night right? Mick told me both Charlie and Meg came by the bar.” He smiles softly at that, and Dean feels his heart turn to ice. He should have gone there. Should have tried to bring him home sooner.

“Yeah, come on in Cas. We got some time.” Dean bites his tongue. He has so many questions but if he starts he might not stop till he’s shouting at Castiel.

Cas walks in and unwinds his scarf. He runs it through his hands over and over. Dean knows he’s stalling but after weeks without a trace he’s not willing to wait much longer. He knows what’s coming now; I’m sorry, but I’m not ready for a relationship, can we go back to being friends? If he has to shake Cas’s hand and go play those fucking board games he’ll probably jump out a window. Why isn’t he saying anything?

“Cas. Just spit it out. What do you need to say?” Dean’s clenches his jaw and he immediately wants to take the harsh words back.

“I’m sorry, I’m a little nervous. Nice tree.” Cas huffs out a small laugh. He’s looking over at the spindly Christmas tree in the corner. It’s pretty pathetic but Charlie made him put it up. She basically has been forcing life on him for the last month. Without her, Dean would still be curled up in Cas’s bed. Trying to hold on to the smell of him on the pillow. God he is so stupid.

“Thanks. What do you need to say? Can you at least tell me if you’re sick?” Dean can’t take much more. Cas looks so fragile standing there. His eyes darting everywhere but to Dean.

“Yes, I mean no. I’m not sick; I got my test results back a week or so ago.”

Dean feels relief and anger bloom simultaneously. Cas is healthy, thank god. But weeks? Where has he been? Why didn’t he tell me?

“Great Cas, I’m glad to hear that. Close call huh?” His hands bunch in fists at his sides. He going to punch something; and if it’s not going to be Cas he better start talking.

“Dean; I’m sorry. Sorry for putting you through all this. I regret burdening you with these aspects of my life. It was not fair to you. I sincerely apologize for any hurt I’ve caused you. I hope one day you can forgive me.” He rushes it all out in one breath; but it sounds off. Like the words aren’t quite his. It feels rehearsed, like he practiced it six or seven times in the mirror.

“Well that’s pretty big of you Cas. Taking responsibility for all those things _**you**_ couldn’t control either. Your dad, your brother, Jimmy.” He ticks them off one by one. “Guess you’re taking the blame for all of it huh?”

“No, I’m not taking blame onto myself. Those experiences made me who I am, but they do not define me. The only thing I can control is what I do about it now.” He sounds proud and it cuts into Dean. That maybe Cas was moving past all this. Maybe Dean was the one still living in the past.

“Okay Dr. Laura, good to hear you’ve had an epiphany or whatever all on your own.” He’s being petty now but he doesn’t care. Cas abandoned him, and this apology is bullshit.

“Actually I have been seeing someone.” Cas tosses out smugly and Dean feels his jaw drop. Was he fucking serious?

“Are you fucking serious Cas? You run out of here like the devil was on your tail. I don’t hear from you for weeks! And then you come waltzing back with your rehearsed apology? Then you have the balls to tell me you’re seeing someone? What the hell is wrong with you?” Dean is shouting now, and he doesn’t care. Screw punching him, Dean might just kill him.

“God! No Dean. I’m sorry that came out wrong. Jeez, I’m seeing a therapist, he’s helping me work through things. Please try to understand.” Cas reaches out tentatively to Dean but something stops him. He pulls his hands back and shoved them in his pockets.

A therapist? A therapist, okay fine, that explains the somewhat canned apology and the accountability for his behavior. But does that change anything? Cas still left, he stayed away for weeks. Dean can’t let this go, can he? He’s more confused than ever.

“Good for you Cas, I hope it helps you. Can you tell me something though? Why did you stay away? If you aren’t sick, and you’re getting help to deal with all your crap, then why didn’t you come back? Why didn’t you come home?” His voice breaks and he can’t fucking stand it. He will not beg, he will not beg Cas stay.

“Honestly, I wanted to come back. Once I knew I was healthy. But Dr. Gardener thought it would be best to remove myself from this kind of environment.” Cas tries to explain but even as Dean feels the small wings of hope flutter within him, the anger flicks them away like gnats.

“What the fuck? What kind of environment? Here with me? And your friends? I did not kick you out!” His voice barely controlling the rage within it.

“When I told him everything, we discussed that I might have a tendency to latch on to a strong person.” He sighs and Dean can see his ears turn pink. Pretty sure it’s not from the cold.

“Michael... Jimmy... You... I have be filling the void my father made when he left. I wanted to be sure I could get whole, that I could do it without you.” He meets Dean’s eyes for the first time and the hurt is so naked on his face it crushes Dean’s heart.

“So you’re not coming back?” The pain has returned and it’s threatening to drown him for good this time. Heartbeating fast again; Cas. Cas. Cas.

“It won’t be forever, I just need to do this on my own.” His chin trembles and Dean wants so bad to wrap his arms around him. Stay. Stay. Stay.

“Okay, you want to do it alone. Fine, but you always have a home here Cas. No matter what happens. I’ll always be your friend.” And there it is, Dean’s willing to bury all these new feelings of love so Cas has a place to call home. The promise sits like lead in his gut.

“Dean I’m... thank you.” Cas looks at the floor again. A moment passes in tense silence. Dean’s heart pounding so loud he’s sure Cas can hear it.

Cas sighs, “Guess we should probably get over to Charlie’s. It’s about that time.”

“Yeah, I just need to do something quick a minute. You mind heading over on your own?” Dean needs to compose himself or they’ll all see through him. Cas frowns and nods.

As he heads to the door a thought strikes Dean and he blurts out; “Cas, can I ask you something?”

“Of course Dean.”

“What did my mom say to you on thanksgiving when we were saying goodbye?” He thought of that whispered conversation over and over again. He could not for the life of him think what his mom had said. Why it mattered now, he didn’t know.

Cas looks thoughtful for a moment and something flickers in his eyes. But then he shakes his head. “I guess I don’t remember.”

Dean nods harshly and turns away. Tears burning behind his eyes. Cas just lied right to his face.


	16. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Call and Answer, Bare Naked Ladies
> 
> So if you call  
> I will answer  
> And if you fall  
> I'll pick you up  
> And if you court this disaster  
> I'll point you home

Cas stands on a doorstep in the late December sun. He’s supposed to be heading in for a session with his therapist, but he hesitates outside the door. Just a moment to center himself, feel the cold at his back, the sunshine on his face. He feels grateful to be healthy, to be alive. He takes a deep breath and opens the door.

He walks in and starts removing his scarf, hat, and outer layers. His hair is long and in need of a trim. A fact Ketch seems to remind him of daily. But he has started putting weight back on. Both of his uncles made sure of that.

Dr. Gardener comes out from around the corner, two thick mugs of what Cas hopes is coffee in his hands. He’s an older man with a soft baritone voice. Cas felt an instant connection with him during their first session when Dr. Gardener shared that he was also orphaned as a child.

“Hello Castiel, I was just about to set these down in the office. Unless you’d prefer to talk somewhere else today.” The whole building was actually his home, with the main floor doubling as the therapy space. Cas had his choice of the office, formal living area, kitchen, and in softer weather they could even sit out on the back patio. Assuming he’d still be coming in the spring.

“The office is fine, thank you.” He feels anxious, it’s their second session this week and last time they ended with him relaying the conversation he recently had with Dean at game night.

They both sit down in the pair of matching green chairs. They are surprisingly comfortable and while Dr. Gardener has a therapist couch; he doesn’t ask anyone to use it unless they want to. Cas opted out of that. It felt a little too Sigmund Freud to him.

“So last time you were telling me about your talk with Dean.” He brings the cup to his lips looking expectantly at Cas over the rim.

“Right, Well after I apologized and explained why I was still staying with my uncles something happened.” Cas is unsure how to proceed. He knows why he lied to Dean. But he felt truly guilty about it. And maybe needed another perspective.

“Dean asked me about something his mother had said to me when we visited them over thanksgiving break. I told you about that weekend before.”

“Yes you mentioned it, but not that she said anything out of the ordinary.” The doctor makes a note on the pad in his lap, and Cas knows they’ll be circling back to that soon.

“Honestly at first I couldn’t remember. I was so concerned about the way Dean received my apology, he was very upset. He shouted at me. I got the impression he thinks I was being insincere. So when he asked I couldn’t think. But then I did remember.” He looks down at his mug, coffee still untouched, the warmth of it seeping into his hands.

“Why didn’t you tell him what she said?” Dr. Gardener asks, how he already knew Cas had lied was a mystery to him. Dr. Gardener has this way of knowing things about Cas before he can even say them.

“Because it didn’t seem like the right thing to do.” Cas finally says. “If I told Dean what she had said, what it meant to me, then I would not have been able to leave him again. And I knew I wasn’t ready to stay. We still... I still have a lot of work to do.”

“You’re more ready than you think you are.” He comments and Cas’s eyes go wide.

“But what about me latching on to a stronger person? What about the void?” Cas’s mind is racing, what did he mean he was ready? Wasn’t that the whole point of coming here?

The older man frowns; “Castiel, those are your fears. You told me about how it felt when your father left. How, as you grew older, that abandonment, coupled with your brothers rejection of your lifestyle, caused you to seek out relationships where you were always in a position to leave first.”

“Are you saying I wanted Jimmy to cheat on me?” He’s having a hard time hiding the hint of aggression in his voice.

“No, but you did say you knew about his reputation when you started seeing him, and how he had left a relationship to pursue one with you.” He continues to toss Cas’s own words back at him.

Cas sits in silence for a minute, thinking back on all the people in his life. How every time he had chosen to leave first, sighting some indiscretion or wrong doing on the other persons part.

“If I sabotage those relationships from the start how is that any different with Dean? Aren’t I already sabotaging whatever future I thought we could have together?”

“Do you think you’re sabotaging yourself?”

“Well I do now...” He grumbles.

His doctor’s expression softens, “From what you’ve told me, Dean has offered for you to come back to the apartment and remain friends. Does that feel like you sabotaged anything?”

“No, but I don’t know if I ruined my chances with him for something more.” Cas frowns. Would it be enough? To live with Dean, continue to be his friend, knowing they could be so much more.

“Do you really think I’m ready to go home?” He tries to hide the hopefulness in his voice, as if Dr. Gardener will see he’s too eager and change his mind.

“Castiel, the only person who thought you weren’t ready was you. If you feel that’s where you belong I suggest you do something about it quickly. And I think you know what you have to do first.” Dr. Gardener is smiling now.

“I have to tell him I’m ready to come home. And hope he still wants me there.” Cas feels lighter. The thought of going back to the apartment, back to Dean giving him hope.

“And you need to tell him what his mother said to you. Whatever it was, you should trust your instincts that its the right thing to do. That’s our time for today, Happy New Year Castiel.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Cas paces around the apartment above the bar. He’s been thinking about his session all day, he knows he needs to talk to Dean. But their last conversation went so poorly he isn’t sure Dean will want to talk to him at all.

He needs an excuse to see him, to get him alone so they could talk. He has no reason to go by the apartment without an invitation though.

He replays the session again in his mind. Dr. Gardener was a good therapist, but sometimes Cas thought he liked it better when Cas answered his own questions, came to his own conclusions. Which in hindsight is the kind of therapy you really want.

_‘you need to tell him what his mother said... it’s the right thing to do... Happy New Year...’_

Cas’s eyes go wide, he runs and trips over an ottoman on the way to his uncle’s desk. On the rich dark wood was a stack of mail, an engraved pen case, and a small calendar.

New Years Eve; it was in three days. That could be it. A way to get over to the apartment. Maybe he could plan something, get some people together as a distraction. He knew who he needed to ask first.

He picks up the phone and dials the familiar number. Two rings and the other line picks up.

“Hello?”

“Meg, it’s Cas. Before you say anything is there any way you can get like a couple dozen people together for a party Sunday night? I’ll pay for everything, but you need to host it.”

“Hi Cas how are you? Im fine thanks for asking!” Her voice drips in sarcasm.

“Hi Meg, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. How are you?”

“Clearly, I’m just peachy. So what is it you need?”

“A New Years party, a big one.” He sighs.

“A party? You hate parties, what’s going on?” Cas can hear the confusion in her voice but there was no point explaining.

“Don’t worry about it, I just need you to throw a party at the apartment Sunday night. And invite all our friends.”

“I don’t know Cas, a New Years party with 3 days notice? That seems impossible, even for me.”

“Please? I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.” He puts a little sweetness in his voice, hopefully she takes the bait.

“Ugh fine! But two conditions.”

“Done! Whatever they are, I’ll do it.”

“Wow! Total compliance and with no hesitation! You must be desperate.”

“Thank you Meg.” He was desperate.

“Don’t thank me yet, I still need to get people to come. Pick me up in a hour. We have major shopping to do.” The phone jangles in his ear as she clearly slammed it down.

He hangs up the phone and slumps into the chair. Was he really going to do this? Would it even work? What if Dean didn’t come? What he was attempting was risky but if it worked... It was going to have to work, it was his last chance.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

She really pulled it off. It was a damn miracle.

The apartment looked great, Meg borrowed a ton of decorations and lights from the theater department and the whole building shined on top of the Christmas lights they still had up. Music poured out of the open doors and everyone he saw had a glass of champagne.

Cas tugged on his tie a little, he was nervous. He’d been there all day helping and had managed to avoid seeing Dean. He didn’t want the fact he basically forced Meg into throwing the party to get back to him.

“Did I mention how much you owe me?” A sultry voice comes up behind him and Meg snakes arm around his waist.

“Only about 200 times, and I do Meg. I really owe you. This looks perfect. You are perfect.” She smiles at the compliment and twirls a little in her deep purple cocktail dress. The neckline reaches her chin and the hem past her knees. If it wasn’t for the way it fit snugly around her curves the dress would almost be modest. He spins her around and dips her. Meg actually blushes a little but hides it well.

Rising she plants a noisy kiss on his cheek. “Glad you kept the suit honey, our boy’s not gonna know what hit him.” She winks and waltzes off to attend to some other party detail.

One of Megs conditions was he told her the entire plan. She knew he had ulterior motives for throwing this party. Now she knows exactly what he plans on doing. The second condition was the suit from Halloween. He had to wear it even though no one else was that dressed up.

Sure the girls were in party dresses or fancy tops with slacks. But most of the guys wore button down shirts, he only saw a handful of ties, and no one had a suit jacket.

He looked like he was ready for a wedding... or maybe a funeral. He was starting to feel self conscious but then Dean walks in with Charlie and for Castiel time stands still.

Dean is in a suit, one Cas has never seen before. Its a dark wine color and he wears a black shirt open at the collar underneath with no tie. It’s practically molded to his chest and Cas feels something stir inside him. His libido already sitting up and taking notice. He looks amazing, Cas can’t stop staring.

Castiel feels his heartbeat in his ears as he tries to look away. But Charlie spots him and drags Dean over.

“Cas! I didn’t know you were coming!” She’s practically beaming at him. Dean however has apparently developed a recent love of carpentry and is staring at the hardwood floors.

“Hello Charlie, Dean. I was surprised myself, Meg only called me yesterday.” He smiles and lies quickly, hoping Meg hadn’t let on to Charlie he was the one orchestrating the whole thing.

“Well it’s great to see you, right Dean?” She elbows him in the ribs hard enough for Cas to feel it himself.

Dean yelps; “Ah! Jeez! Hiya Cas. Good to see you. Excuse me.” And he abruptly stalks over to the bar.

Cas’s smile falls once Dean walks away. This was a stupid idea, he has no chance. He lets out a little sigh, forgetting Charlie is still standing next to him.

“Don’t worry, he’s coming around. He’s just been antisocial lately. I had to practically hold him in the shower earlier.”

As Cas’s eyes widen she laughs quickly and adds, “I’m kidding Cas!”

He lets out a strangled sound closely like a laugh. “That makes me feel a little better I guess. By the way, you look very nice tonight.”

She smiles and straightens her black suit jacket. Crisp white shirt open to reveal a borderline risqué amount of skin, she had on a thin black tie but it was loose around her collar, like a scarf. He hair fell in soft red waves to her shoulders. “Thanks Cas, you don’t look so bad yourself.”

She pulls him into a tight hug and whispers. “I’m so glad you’re here. Good luck with your plan, let me know if you need me to distract him.”

He looks back at her in disbelief but it quickly fades. Of course Meg would have to tell her, they live together. Cas was so wrapped up in the details of his plans he missed something really obvious.

Hopefully it was the only thing he missed.


	17. Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time, Hootie and the Blowfish 
> 
> Can you teach me 'bout tomorrow  
> And all the pain and sorrow running free  
> 'Cause tomorrow's just another day  
> And I don't believe in time

Dean was exhausted, he hadn’t been sleeping well. And the deadlines for the paper were piling up. Classes didn’t start back up for a few more days but that didn’t stop him from trying to cram as much work into his winter break as he could. Plus side; The more he worked the less he thought about whether a certain person was coming home or not.

But stewing about it wasn’t going to do him much good. He already imagined every theory or possibility he could think of for why Cas wasn’t coming home. Unless Castiel was a celestial being sent from Heaven to destroy him, he was out of ideas.

So when Charlie asked him, well pretty much demanded he go this party his first instinct was to say no. He was in no mood for a party. They went round and round the issue till he finally yielded to her.

Basically she threatened **again** to call his mom _**again**_. It was the one trump card he couldn’t risk her playing. He managed to avoid his parents since thanksgiving. He feigned trouble with the paper, exams, even a fake emergency to get off the phone when she asked how Cas was doing.

If he could hide from them a little bit longer all the better for Dean. So he agreed to Charlie’s terms. He’d go to the party, but there was no way he was staying till midnight. And he wasn’t dressing up.

He procrastinated pretty much all of Sunday; he worked on editorial stuff, washed/dried and folded all his laundry, made a big pot of chili which had to simmer and be stirred all day. Anything to keep busy, if he stopped for a minute he was thinking about his last conversation with Cas.

What was all that talk about needing a stronger person anyway? Cas was plenty strong. He didn’t need Dean to prop him up, or fill any voids. Dean wasn’t sure this doctor really knew what he was talking about. Guy was probably a quack!

And furthermore, he still didn’t know why Cas lied to him about what his mom had said. Cas was going to have a lot of explaining to do the next time Dean saw him.

He was just finished putting the chili into Tupperware when Charlie burst into his apartment. She was in a pair of matching sweats with little Star Wars ships zooming all over the deep blue of space. She had her hair piled up in some kind of scarf with curls pinned under it and a dry cleaning bag in one hand. She was glaring at Dean, eyes practically burning holes into his chest.

“You were supposed to pick up the dry cleaning.” She grits out. “You were supposed to pick it up yesterday and I had to call Mr. Kripke at home, on a holiday, to get him to open.”

Dean gaps like a fish, “ah... ah... I forgot?”

“Clearly, I’m just trying to decide if it was unintentional forgetting or scheming on your part.” She slams the door and stalks to the bedroom. “Get in here Dean!”

He drops the spoon he was using and it clatters to the floor. Chili splatters his tee shirt and the counter. He leaves it and dashes to the back bedroom where Charlie is ripping the plastic bag and pulling a dark colored suit out of it.

“Woah, I thought we decided I wasn’t dressing up?” He eyes her warily from the doorway.

“Well I undecided for you.” She retorts and starts looking in his closet at his shoes.

“Charlie, this is a lot. Even for you. Why do I have to do this? I just want to stay in my pj’s and eat chili.” He knows he’s whining but he doesn’t care. She’s being unreasonable.

“You’ve been in hermit mode for weeks. I just thought it would be fun to get fancied up. It’s only for one night.” She pouts a little and turns those big green eyes up at Dean. He can feel his resolve crumbling.

“I’m sorry. I’m just not in the mood to socialize.” He shrugs, but it’s a lame excuse and they already had this argument.

“Too bad, now go take a shower.” She turns her back to him and resumes her search for shoes.

“I showered yesterday.” Probably he thinks, it may have been the day before.

“You smell like meat and tomatoes, you’re showering.” She counters. And he discreetly sniffs his shirt. Okay he did smell like chili but who cares? It’s not like he was trying to impress anyone.

“Why are you being so bossy?” He demands.

She whirls around, her eyes are filled with tears. “Because, I’m sick of seeing you wallow in despair! God Dean it’s been weeks. I’ve never seen you this depressed over anyone, ever. It’s starting to scare me.”

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. Please don’t cry Charlie.” He wraps his arms around her and she sniffs into his chest.

“You do stink.” She whispers.

“Yeah I really do.” He whispers back.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Okay so maybe the suit wasn’t that bad. Dean liked the way he looked when he got the jacket on and posed a little in front of the mirror. The shirt was cut a little tighter than he was used to but if he didn’t have to wear a tie he was happy.

Charlie presumably ran back to her apartment while he was in the shower because she was now putting on makeup in his bathroom. Compacts and tools scattered all over the counter.

Dean frowns at the mess. “You’re going to clean all that up right?”

“Yes dad...” She rolls her eyes, impressive, considering she’s applying mascara at the time.

He smirks and leaves her to it. Everything on the counter looks like a torture device. He didn’t want to stick around for her to try anything on him.

He walks to Cas’s bedroom and looks out the front window. Snow was falling softly and the moonlight made it sparkle around the courtyard. People are already starting to head in for the party and he can feel the thump of music though the floor.

He leans his head against the cool glass and his breath fogs it up. He doesn’t know why he keeps coming in this room. It no longer felt like Cas lived here. It felt more like his ghost was following Dean, haunting the space.

He fears one day he’ll open the door and the room will be empty. His uncles having already come to take what little was left and Castiel would really be gone.

He’d give anything to go back to that night at his parents house. Falling asleep with Cas in his arms. But it seemed like that was just a bitter memory now.

Charlie was right, he was depressed. He knew the signs, and thought if he didn’t change something soon he’d lose himself in the memories for good.

He feels the all too familiar sting of tears and he wishes he could have one day without them.

The door opens behind him and Charlie’s shadow dances on the wall. He takes a deep breath, she’s going to know what he was doing in here. And he doesn’t want to upset her again. One more night Winchester; tomorrow you start putting your life back together. With or without Cas in it.

He turns to his friend and puts a giant smile on his face. “You ready to party gorgeous?”

She poses, backlit by hall. “I’m ready if you are!”

Yeah he was ready.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

They walk arm and arm across hall and actually have to wait for a crowd to clear before they can make it into the opposite apartment.

Meg really went all out. Dean had to admit it, the woman knew how to throw a party. It looked like a lot of the same crowd from Halloween, with a couple more of her theater friends thrown in the mix.

He waves to Pamela and the guy with a mullet she’s standing with. He’s about to head over to say hi, but Charlie’s suddenly dragging him across the room.

He tries to put the breaks on when she calls out. “Cas! I didn’t know you were coming!”

His heart stops, Cas is here? He looks to where Charlie is directing him and there he is. Looking breathtaking in that damn blue suit. His tie is already crooked and Dean’s fingers itch to reach out and straighten it.

Did he know how good he looked? Did he know the sight of him ignited something in Dean no one ever had before? God he wants so badly to run his hands through that dark messy hair. Grip it tight and pull him in for a crushing kiss. And hoo boy where did that all come from? He feels the blush envelope him and has to stare at the floor.

“Hello Charlie, Dean. I was surprised myself, Meg only called me yesterday.” Cas is speaking as if they have casual conversations all the time. Not like the last time they saw each other he lied right to Dean’s face. Son of a bitch probably brought a date. He glares harder at the floor, he was being irrational.

“Well it’s great to see you, right Dean?” Charlie’s elbow connects with his rib cage hard enough for him to cry out.

“Ah!“Jeez!” Son of a bitch that hurt! “Hiya Cas. Good to see you. Excuse me.” He has to go, right now! The bar is to his left and he makes a beeline for it. Forget being social, he needs a drink.

He gets a beer and downs half of it in one swallow. If Cas was going to be here he was going to need all the help he could get.

Maybe he could avoid him all night, just bop from friend to friend till Charlie allowed him to go back home. No way he was going to try and talk to Cas with all these people here.

He turns around and Cas has thankfully vanished. Maybe this would be easier than he thought. Cas might not want to talk either. And that was fine, two could play at that game. He scans the room and spies Benny with his arm around Vanessa’s waist. He grabs his friend a second beer and heads over to them.

It’s only a few hours, he could make it till then.


	18. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I want, Toad the Wet Sprocket
> 
> And the air outside so soft  
> Confessing everything, everything  
> All I want is to feel this way  
> To be this close, to feel the same  
> All I want is to feel this way  
> The evening speaks, I feel it say

Cas is sure he’s going to throw up. It was 5 minutes till midnight and Dean has been successfully avoiding him all night. His plan to get him alone at this party was a total bust.

Not only was Dean avoiding him like he had the plague but everyone and their brother wanted to say hello to Castiel. He was currently locked in a conversation with Harry’s friend Garth about beekeeping. And even though it was a subject Cas was interested in, he didn’t hear a word Garth was saying.

He was too busy staring at Dean while he laughed and chatted with that couple from Halloween who locked themselves in the bathroom. They were both staring up at Dean like he hung the moon. They weren’t too far off the mark as far as Cas was concerned.

Charlie joins their conversation and whispers something in Dean’s ear. He looks concerned briefly and then heads for the door. He was leaving! What did Charlie do?

“Garth, I’m sorry can you excuse me for a moment?” He’s already walking away but the other man just smiles. He’s an affable sort and wouldn’t say boo if you pinched him.

“Sure thing Castiel, talk to you later.”

Cas makes his way to Charlie as she’s circling back over to the bar. He grabs her gently by the crook of the arm.

“Where did Dean go?” He whispers.

“I told him Benny and Vanessa were fighting in the courtyard. And Benny was trying to drive home drunk.” She whispers back.

“What? Does he need help?” Cas glances around. Bennys not a big guy but he may need more that just Dean to hold him off.

“No! That was a lie to get him outside! No ones out there, you should probably hurry up before he catches on.” She smiles and he can only stare at her. The gears shift into place and realizes what she’s saying.

“Thank you, I owe you one!” He kisses her cheek and runs out the room.

“Go get him Cas.” She says to herself.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Cas runs down the stairs at a breakneck pace. Luckily no one is on them or he might knock them down. He gets to the door and stops. He takes a deep breath and opens it to find Dean all the way at the iron gates, looking up and down the street. Probably looking for Benny and Vanessa, who are nowhere to be seen.

“Dean!” He calls out, he’s worried he’ll go running after them and this will all be for nothing.

Dean stops and turns to where Cas is standing in the open doorway. Cas slowly steps outside and shuts the door behind him. He approaches Dean with caution like you might an animal in the wild.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” He sees Dean struggle with whether or not to answer. And part of him worries this may have been the wrong thing to do.

“Sure, I mean if you want to talk in the cold that is.” Dean shoves his hands in his pockets but doesn’t move closer. It looks like Cas is going to have to close the gap all on his own.

He takes a step towards Dean.

“I want to apologize, again, for my behavior over the last month. I reacted very poorly to the news from Jimmy and I think you may have suffered for it as much as I have.” He’s been practicing what to say for days. He hopes it goes better than his last apology. Another step.

“I was afraid, of not only what might happen to me but what could happen to you if I let you get closer. I’ve pushed away everyone who’s cared for me as a way to make up for my own family’s rejection. I was afraid I’d do that to you, so I chose to shut you out. And at the time I thought that was better for you. Not realizing I was doing the very thing I was trying to avoid.” He pauses and he sees Dean’s brows raise in surprise.

“I was wrong to protect you that way. I should have let you decide if you even wanted to be in my life. And by doing so I know I may have jeopardized our friendship even more.” Another step closer and he’s about halfway down the walkway.

Dean frowns. “Is that what we are Cas? Friends?” The hurt in his voice is enough to make Cas want to run the rest of the way to him. But he has to get this out.

“I think we are, but I know I’ve damaged that. I just hope it’s not beyond repair.” Cas tries hard not to look away. Even with the shame of what he’s done to Dean dragging him to the ground.

“I meant what I said when I last saw you. I’ll always be your friend Cas. But I gotta tell ya, you’re not making it easy.” Dean frowns.

This time Cas does have to look down. He knows what he needs to do, what he needs to say so Dean can start to forgive him. He takes another step till they are arms distance apart. Somewhere a clock is chiming. And he hears the crowd inside start to countdown.

_10..._

“Dean you asked me what your mother had said to me, and I lied to you about remembering.”

_9..._

“I was afraid by telling you it would change everything about our friendship and I was unsure if it was the right thing to do.”

_8..._

“But I know now, the truth is what we both need.”

_7..._

“She told me that I was always welcome in their home.”

_6..._

“That I should think of it as my own.”

_5..._

“And they thought of me as family.”

_4..._

“Because it was so apparent that you had already made me part of yours.”

_3..._

“And after meeting me, she couldn’t think of a better person to love her son.”

_2..._

Cas sighs and lets his words hang between them. He can feel the tears trying to fall but he holds them in tight.

_1..._

“I’m falling in love with you Dean. Probably from the first day we met. And, if you’ll have me, I would very much like to come home.” He lets out a watery sigh and holds a hand out to Dean.

A wave of cheers rise out from the building behind him but all he can hear is the beating of his heart and the roar of blood in his ears.

_**HAPPY NEW YEAR!** _

The noise of the crowd dies down and all that’s left is the faintest sound of snowfall touching the ground.

Dean stares unblinking at him, Cas tries to hold his gaze but he’s losing his resolve the longer Dean looks at him. Maybe it was too late, he damaged his relationship with Dean beyond what a few kind words and an apology could fix. Misery threatens to consume his entire being and he needs to get away from here. He can’t bear for Dean to see how much he’s hurting.

He turns to head inside and feels a tugging on his hand. He looks down and Dean has his warm palm clasped firmly in his. That familiar current, of which he now knows is love, courses through his body and he glances up to Dean’s face.

“I love you too Cas.” He’s smiling and something in Castiel soars. Probably his heart but he’s too overwhelmed with emotion to investigate further.

Without warning Dean pulls him close and wraps his arms around Cas’s body. He presses their lips together and Cas feels as though the ground shifts beneath them. Dean’s mouth is soft and yields against the pressure from Cas’s. He finds the other man’s tongue and a wave of lust crashes through him. Their bodies cling to one another and he no longer feels the cold winter night around them.

Dean breaks the kiss first and he is still smiling, his eyes are shining with tears. His voice is hoarse. “Now that, was a hell of an apology Cas.”

Cas can feel a smile form on his own lips. “Thank you, or is it you’re welcome?” He runs a hand through Dean’s hair and tugs playfully on the end.

“I think it can be both.” He lays his head against Cas’s forehead and sighs. “Come on Cas, let’s go home.”

“I thought you’d never ask.”


	19. Epilogue One: Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story officially ends with the previous chapter but I have two epilogues for you, part one is pure smut so I hope you enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More than words, Extreme
> 
> More than words  
> Is all you have to do to make it real  
> Then you wouldn't have to say  
> That you love me  
> 'Cause I'd already know

_Two sets of footsteps on the wooden staircase. Their heavy tread echoing in the hall._

_Hand clasped tightly. Palms warm and inviting. Fingers laced together. One squeezes the other._

_Hearts pounding in anticipation, so fast they will surely burst._

_A kiss, rough and messy, pressed up against the solid oak door._

Dean feels like he’s watching this play out in a movie. Did Cas just tell him he loved him? Standing there in the snowy courtyard. Did he really say it back? Were all his hopes and dreams coming true?

“Hey, where did you go?” Cas whispers in his ear.

Dean shakes his head to clear it and sees Cas has pulled back from where he’s pinned under Dean against the door.

“Sorry, Cas. I just got caught up... in everything.” Last time they were intertwined like this the whole world came crashing down around them. Dean knows it won’t be like that this time but it’s nagging at him to be sure.

“Um Cas... can you... can you say it again?” Dean feels his ears grow hot but he can’t seem to help it. Cas tilts his head to the side but then a smile blooms on his face.

“I love you Dean.” And he kiss him softly on the lips.

Dean huffs out a little laugh, mostly at himself for being so uncertain. This whole time his love for Cas felt like a fragile thing. Something small and precious. Something breakable.

Now it feels like something tangible and whole. Something he can hold on to, take it with him wherever he goes. Something he can keep forever.

“I love you too.” He smiles and a tear rolls down his cheek. He tries wipes them away quickly. But Castiel reaches out and takes his hand.

Bringing it up to his lips, Dean watches as Cas kisses the tears from his fingertips. He feels the roughness of his cheek, the softness of his lips. The subtle flick of his tongue.

Something inside him burst into flames, his whole body overcome with it. He reaches out and pulls Cas close to him.

They wrap around each other and their mouths meet again. Harder this time, faster, rougher. Each kiss demanding to be more than the last.

Cas presses his body into Dean’s and a moan escapes his lips. He’s already aching for more of the other man’s touch.

He breaks the kiss and they are both panting. Dean swallows and growls out, “Cas, I will fuck you in this hallway so help me god.”

Castiel laughs, “as much as our neighbors would love to see that, you better open the door.”

They push their way into the apartment and once the door closes they start tearing clothes off of one another.

A suit jacket falls to the floor.

Cas’s tie slithers from its collar, gripped tightly in a fist.

Two sets of shoes are toed off and kicked haphazardly away.

All the while their mouths never leave each other. Dean is sucking on Cas’s neck and he feels his shirt give way under Cas’s hands. It falls silently to the floor. Hands running freely across his bare chest.

Not to be outdone Dean reaches out, grabs Cas’s white shirt with both hands and rips it clean apart. Buttons go flying ever direction. Castiel’s eyes widen and he practically throws himself at Dean. They collide and he starts kissing every inch of Dean he can get his mouth on.

Dean reaches down between then and runs his palm over the bulge in Cas’s trousers. The other man cries out.

“Dean, we have to... bed... now! Right now!” Cas groans out between kisses and Dean runs his hand around behind him. Grabbing his ass tight he guides the other man towards his bedroom.

Cas’s knees hit the mattress and Dean nudges him down. Cas flops on his back and smiles as Dean basically dives on top of him.

Chest to chest, hip to hip; Dean grinds his pelvis down hard and Cas arches off the bed to meet him. Dean drags Cas’s hands up above his head and hold him there with another punishing roll of his hips.

He kisses his way down Cas’s chest and stomach. Teeth nibbling along his hip bones. Cas squirms and tries to get away but Dean plants a rougher kiss below his navel and his stills.

Belt buckle, pants, and boxers all removed in fluid motion. Dean smiles down at Cas, naked in the glow of the moonlight. Cas looks beautiful, his eyes dark, pupils blown wide; Dean feels his heart clench and he knows he’s never felt like this about anyone. God he was a romantic sap.

He leans down to Cas’s impressive erection and slowly runs his tongue up the back side. Cas lets out a soft cry and his cock twitches, searching again for that inviting sensation.

Dean grips him and swirls his tongue around the tip. He can taste Cas already leaking in his mouth. Another groan and Cas’s hands are in his hair. Running his fingers through it, pulling just right at the scalp.

Dean can feel his own cock jerk in response and he things he might be able to cum from sucking Cas off alone. He pulls back and Cas whines in the back of his throat.

“You gotta talk to me Cas, tell me what you want.” He palms himself with one hand and grips Castiel tight with the other.

“Ahh... I want... Oh Dean... I want to cum. Please...” Cas gasps as Dean sucks him harder. Dean hums appreciatively around him and he pulls off of him just as Cas starts bucking into his mouth.

Dean pushes up and run his mouth over Cas’s hips. “I want that too Cas but you gotta slow down. I don’t want you to finish till I’m deep inside you.” Cas’s eyes spring open and Dean knows Cas gets off on this kind of talk. He plans to keep him on edge for while. He finally got him here, he was going to take his time.

“What else Cas?” Running his lips over the sensitive skin. His fingers digging in the meat of Castiel’s back side.

“Take off you clothes.” Cas pants out. And Dean quickly stands up to oblige him.

Pants and boxer briefs fall the the floor, his own cock hard and ready. Cas pushes up on his elbows, clearly staring. Dean can’t help but smirk a little.

“Like what you see Cas?” Eyebrows wagging.

Cas nods rapidly and Dean climbs back on top of him. Their warm bodies touching at every available inch. Their cocks slotted side by side and an idea catches in Dean’s mind like wildfire. He reaches between them and wraps his hand around them both. And just like in his fantasy Cas’s blue eyes roll back in ecstasy.

**“OH DEAN!!”**

Dean chuckles and plants a line of kisses on Cas jaw. “I hoped you might like that, cooked that up in the shower one morning, I came so hard Cas. Just thinking about touching you drove me crazy.”

He continues to stroke them both slowly, drawing out the pleasure. “Do you ever think about me like that? Do you touch yourself?”

Cas nods again, “yes... yes I think about you... all the time.”

A thrill rushes through Dean and he grips them harder. “And you touch yourself? Will you show me?”

Even in the dark he can see the blush darken Cas’s cheeks and chest. He closes his eyes. And Dean thinks maybe he won’t be able to. Maybe it was too much of him to ask this first time. But then Cas opens his eyes and smiles.

“Yes I can show you, do you have any lube in here?” He says it so nonchalantly that it takes Dean a beat to register. His hips stutter as another wave of arousal courses through him. God he may as well have asked me if I had a cup of sugar! Why was that so sexy?

Dean lets them both go in order to reach into the night stand. In the dark he feels around and his fingers close on the small bottle. He hesitates briefly before handing it to Castiel.

“Where do you want me?” He feels a little unsure of himself now that he’s going to witness first hand what Cas does when he’s alone.

“Just kneel right there, I’ll come to you.” He looks serious now, and Dean’s dick twitches in anticipation.

He kneels at the foot of the bed with his heels underneath him. His legs spread apart. Cas turns his back to him and kneels between his legs. He takes the lube and squirts a generous amount into one hand but instead of wrapping it around his still hard cock he takes the other free hand and strokes himself roughly.

From the looks of it, a lot harder than Dean was doing a moment ago. He files that away for future use and watches in awe as Cas touches himself.

A moan escapes his lips and his head falls back onto Dean’s shoulder. The tip of his dick just barely brushes the skin of Castiel’s backside.

Dean thinks this might be all and he’ll have to take matters back into his own hands but then Cas pushes up to his knees and reaches down behind his legs with the other hand. The one he lubed up.

Deans watches in shock as he realizes what Cas is going to do. He feels the movement as Cas strains to reach with his hand. Wishing with everything he could see those long fingers rubbing over that tight hole. Feeling the puckered skin as it slowly gives way under that pressure.

The jerking of his cock grows faster and Dean own erection is straining between them. He hears Cas draw in a sharp breath and he knows, just fucking knows, that Cas added a second finger.

“You’ve been holding out on me Cas.” He leans over and rubs his nose against the back of Cas’s neck. “All those times, locked up in your room. I thought you were reading, but you were really doing this.” He trails kisses to Cas’s earlobe and bites the soft flesh there. Cas slumps back against him, fighting to keep his body upright.

Cas shifts again and moans. The son of a bitch adds a third finger! Dean is throbbing now. “Do you cum like this? Panting, with your fingers deep inside you, wishing it was me?”

“Yes! Dean... oh I want to cum like this.” Cas’s already gravely voice gets rougher and Dean knows he’s close to the edge again. He doesn’t want it to be over though, he wants to be the one to do this to Cas. He reaches over and stills Castiel’s arm with his own.

“Can I try? I wanna make you feel good Cas.” His voice seems lost in the sounds Cas’s making but he nods and pulls his hand out. Dean blindly reaches down and finds the bottle trapped somewhere in the tangle of blankets.

He coats his fingers and eases Cas over on to his hands and knees. He runs his hand over Cas’s smooth ass and seriously debates giving it a taste, but he decides against it. Right now is about Cas’s pleasure, not just his own. Plus there was always next time.

He draws a finger up between the cheeks and Cas pushes back against the touch. His hole already yielding to the pressure of Dean’s fingers, he reconsiders using one finger and starts in on Cas with two.

He’s hot and tight around Dean as he inches further inside him. Curling within him Cas moans and Dean feels him start to stroke his cock again.

Dean pulls his fingers out slightly and adds a third. He then pushes deeper into Castiel. The tips just brushing the bundle of nerves inside him.

“Oh fuck Dean!” Cas hollers and Dean feels his own cock leaking against his thigh.

“Is that good baby?” He knows the answer but he wants Cas begging. Needs to hear how good he makes him feel.

“Yes Dean that’s so much better! Please don’t stop.” Cas is coming apart around his hand and Dean feels his own growing need for release.

“Cas, can I... will you let me fuck you?” His own free hand drops between his legs and pulls himself tightly. “Please baby?”

Cas stills and looks back at Dean over his shoulder. They both stare at each other for a moment, a thousand thoughts fly through Dean’s head. But only one really matters; he loves Cas, and he’ll spend the rest of his life showing him how much he’s loved.

Cas nods and Dean slowly pulls his fingers out. He reaches back over to the bottle and coats himself with it. Shivering under the sensation he pushes Cas’s shoulder till the other man gets his hint and rolls on to his back. Dean settles between his knees.

Leaning down he captures Cas’s mouth in a deep kiss. Trying to pour every ounce of love in his body behind it. He breaks the kiss and smiles down at Castiel.

“Are you sure?” He’s a little nervous now, trying not to let it show. Cas nods and smiles, his hand coming up to touch Dean’s cheek.

“I love you Dean.” And with the words something in his chest catches. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of hearing it.

“I love you too.” He sighs, what started out as playful and dirty has suddenly changed into tender and soft. He’s grateful for the time to settle his rapidly beating heart.

But the need for Cas is growing stronger. He strokes himself a final time and lines himself with Cas’s hole. It gives way under him as he slowly pushes in. He pulls up one of Cas’s legs to deepen the angle and he feels himself slide in further.

Cas lets out a loud moan and his head falls back against the pillow. Further and further Dean pushes till he can feel himself bottom out inside of Castiel.

He pulls back slowly and then back in again in a rough thrust. His hands resting on either side of Cas’s head. Propping that leg up on his shoulder he leans down and captures his mouth in a crushing kiss.

Thrusting again and again; he feels a sheen of sweat coat his chest. Castiel’s hard cock rubbing between their bodies.

Picking up the pace he bucks harder into Castiel. Hands coming down to grip onto his hips, he uses them for leverage and pulls himself harder into Cas.

“Dean... Dean... Dean!” Castiel cries out with every stroke. “I’m going to cum!”

Dean can feel his hot release coat his stomach. He barely has time to react when his own orgasm bursts through him and he’s coming apart at the seams.

“Oh Fuck! Cas!” He shouts and empties himself into Castiel. Chest heaving he leans down one last time to capture Cas’s lips in his own.

He slowly pulls off him, legs shaking from exertion. He flops down next to him on the bed and pulls him close.

“Dean don’t, we’re a mess.” Cas scolds. And normally Dean would agree but right now he doesn’t care. He only wants to lay in the dark with Cas. Feel his heartbeat under his hand.

“Just... need a minute.” He replies and closes his eyes.

“One minute, you get one and then I’m showering.” Cas sighs grumpily and closes his eyes too.

“Oh I see, now that you’re home and have been throughly fucked, you’re going to turn right back into a snarky bastard, aren’t you Cas?” Dean’s smirking and he knows Cas is going to retaliate. But he missed teasing him this last month. He has a lot saved up.

“Snarky!?” He shouts and Castiel’s blue eyes fly open. He glares at Dean in outrage. God I love you, Dean thinks and ducks to avoid the sucker punch heading his way.

He quickly grabs Cas’s hands and holds them down before he gets hit. Kissing him passionately till Castiel begins to relax beneath him. And just as he feels Castiel yield he springs away from him.

“Race you to the shower!” And he cackles as he bolts for the door. Castiel laughing and cursing from the bed behind him.

They make it to the bathroom at the same time and Dean wraps his arms around Cas in a very messy bear hug.

Moments later, sedated in the heat of the spray Castiel smiles into Dean’s chest. “If you wanted to shower together you could have just said so.”

“This was way more fun.” Dean smiles back, his heart is full. All he wants is right here in front of him.


	20. Epilogue Two: Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part two of the epilogue; no smut. Just some good old fashioned feels.
> 
> Thank you so much for taking this journey with me!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What’s Up, 4 Non Blondes
> 
> And so I wake in the morning  
> And I step outside  
> And I take a deep breath and I get real high  
> And I scream from the top of my lungs  
> "What's going on?"

Four months later...

It’s graduation day and Cas is trying for the third time to get his tie straight. He glowers in the mirror when it still doesn’t come out right.

“This is stupid! I will be wearing a gown, no one will see the tie!” He hollers from the bathroom.

Dean comes around the corner, tie already on, looking smug. “I offered to do it.” He says and cocks a hip on the door frame.

Cas frowns again. “Fine... but no gloating.”

Dean flashes a quick grin and the hides it with very unconvincing frown. His green eyes sparkling.

“You’re gloating...” Cas sighs.

“No talking. I’m concentrating.” He scolds and Cas rolls his eyes again. Dean continues unfazed. Once the striped blue tie is knotted correctly he runs a hand down Cas’s chest to smooth it out.

“There, now you won’t embarrass the family with your shabby ensemble.” Dean mimics Ketch perfectly and Cas can’t hold back a snort.

“Don’t let my uncle hear that, he’s ex special forces remember.”

“I thought it was the Spanish Inquisition?”Dean pats his chest one more time, his hand lingering over Castiel’s heart.

“Dont be nervous Dean. It’s not like we’re making speeches or anything.” Cas covers Dean’s hand with his own and leans in for a kiss. He is a little nervy too if he was being honest. He’s been waiting for this day a long time.

Of course he still had a few years of school ahead of him, but with this degree he could start an internship with a psychologist and get some real life experience. He was very grateful Dr. Gardener offered to help facilitate all his introductions with various doctors.

There’s a knock at the apartment door and they both step out of the bathroom to answer it.

“It’s probably Charlie,” Dean says, “she’s never going to bust in again is she?” He chuckles and Cas remembers the last time Charlie came in unannounced.

He and Dean were engaged in some very “creative” kitchen sex and she got quite an eye full.

“She still won’t eat anything with chocolate sauce either.” He giggles and Dean has to shush him as he opens the door.

It is Charlie and she’s already got her gown on over her graduation outfit. “Hey guys, you ready to go? Meg’s already out by the car.”

“Yeah, we’re ready.” Dean replies. “Are you still planning on coming to dinner with us after?”

“Yup, I already talked to your mom yesterday. I am officially on the list.” She grins and they all traipse down the stairs.

It’s a gorgeous May afternoon. The sun is shining and the breeze is fragrant with the promise that summer is right around the corner. Cas cannot wait for their vacation to start.

Tomorrow they hit the road, Cas learned that Dean has never seen the ocean and they are driving Baby all the way to California. 2 weeks with no interruptions, a stack of books, and about 30 dive bars and diners Dean swears they have to stop at. They’ll be lucky to come back in time for Dean’s internship at The Lawrence Journal, which starts in June.

Cas still can’t believe they started the year complete strangers, and now they were making all these plans, even talking of moving to a bigger place. It felt right, like coming full circle.

On the other side of the gate Meg is crouched down touching up her lipstick in the side mirror.

Dean lets out a low whistle at her. “Hey doll face, you lookin for a ride?” He imitates some comedian Cas can’t remember but the girls both laugh so it must be spot on.

She smiles at them and throws her hands in the air. “Alright boys and girls, let’s go graduate!”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

“I am so proud of you boys!” Ellen has her arms wrapped around both Cas and Dean as they walk back to the parking lot.

Bobby walks on the other side of Dean, hands in his pockets, a quiet smile on his face.

Meg’s next to Cas chatting with that Crowley fellow who seems to pop up in the most unexpected places. Cas isn’t actually sure if he’s a student.

Sam and Jo bringing up the rear, both talking animatedly to Charlie at the same time.

They were quite the crew and now that the pomp and circumstance was over it was time to party.

Cas looks up ahead to where Mick and Ketch are near their car. They’re both shouting and waving their arms around. Cas can’t hear them but he starts to pull away from Ellen as he sees a third man, _**sitting**_ on the hood of Dean’s car.

Dean must have noticed at the same time because he curses and breaks into a run. Cas tries to catch up but once the other man’s face comes into view he stops dead in his tracks.

“Dean! Let him go.” He tries to shout but his voice barley registers above a hoarse whisper. Sam comes up next to him and whispers “oh God he’s going to kill him.” And he takes off running.

Cas takes a few steps forward. “DEAN! Put him down!” This time his voice does rise over the sound of Jo screaming, Crowley laughing, and Dean cursing a blue streak at “this asshole who thinks he can just park his ass on someone else’s **FUCKING PROPERTY**?!”

The man spies Cas and calls out, “Cassie, be a pal tell your boy toy here to put me down? I’m losing feeling in my extremities.”

Dean looks up and sees Cas frozen to the pavement. He stops shaking the man, “You know this guy Cas?”

Cas sighs, “Yes I do.”

“See I told ya, family. Now put me down Dean-o, this suit is French silk.” The smaller man tries to weasel his way out from Dean’s fists, which are both firmly gripping his lapels, lifting him a few inches off the ground.

“He’s family?” Deans voice is barely controlled rage and Cas knows if he doesn’t stop him now, Dean may actually commit murder.

“Yes, Dean, this is my brother, Gabriel.” Cas waves a hand in annoyance, or possibly disbelief. As if by saying his name Gabriel would disappear in a cloud of smoke.

Without a word Dean drops Gabriel to his feet and the other man starts brushing imaginary dust from his suit. Everyone is yelling at once, Cas looks over to his uncles and they are still arguing, albeit now they are doing it in harsh whispers.

“Mick, what’s going on here?” Cas growls out and his uncle looks to the other for help.

“No, keep me out of this Michael. This is your mess.” Ketch only called him by his full name when he was furious. Mick was Michael once for a whole month when he accidentally knocked over a antique vase.

“Castiel, I called Gabriel, just to let him know how you were doing. That was months ago. I didn’t think he’d show up today of all the days!” Mick says exasperatedly.

“You told him the name of the bloody school! What did you think he’d do, send a fecking card?” Ketch’s face turns bright red and he turns around to walk away. Mick starts to go after him.

“Ketch, come back.” He turns back to Cas, “look I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but when Gabriel got in touch with me I thought it would be a good way for you two to reunite. I thought I’d have the chance to tell you before he just showed up!” He shouts the last part as he runs after his partner.

Gabriel who, to his credit, has the nerve to look innocent puts a hand to his chest in a ‘who me?’ gesture.

“Well this is exciting, Castiel aren’t you going to introduce me to all these lovely people?” Gabriel smiles like a fox in a hen house at all the frowning faces.

Never one to shy away from conflict. Cas recalls Gabe standing toe to toe with Michael during a particularly tense argument over whether Castiel could go to a school dance.

_... it’s not your place Gabriel! I’m his guardian, the answer is no!..._

_... oh come on Mike, the kid’s gotta let off some steam. He can’t be cooped up with us all the time..._

In the end Michael had won but Gabe managed to sneak Cas out a few weeks later. They gorged on cheeseburgers and shakes at a local diner. Cas was so sick after. It was one of his favorite memories. His brother really tried to give Cas a “normal life” no matter what it cost him. He may have even suffered for it long after Cas was gone.

He shakes his head and is back in the present. Overwhelmed by those memories flooding back, just from the sight of his brother standing here. And the realization of how many they missed out on because of Michael.

“Gabe...” Cas’s voice breaks as looks to his brother and the other man’s eyes soften. He takes a few steps forward, closing the gap between them. Pulling him into a warm embrace. Cas rests his head on his brother’s shoulder and he feels something in his heart start to settle for the first time in years.

“Hey Cas... it’s been a long time.” Gabe smiles.

“It really has... you could have called you know.” Cas sniffs.

“Yeah well I like the element of surprise. Now, introduce me!” He pulls back and smiles wide. “These people are dying to meet me!”

Cas turns to the small crowd of his other loved ones. Each wearing an expression somewhere between morbid curiosity and dumbfounded horror.

“Everyone, this is my older brother Gabriel. Gabe, this is Dean; his mother & father, and siblings. Our friends Charlie and Meg.” Cas points to all and someone clears their throat off to the side.

“Oh... and this is Crowley...” he trails off in confusion but the odd little man smiles with pride.

They all stare at each other for a few moments. No one seems ready to make a move, but then Dean let’s out a breath he’d apparently been holding and steps forward. Cas staggers to him, Dean still has a little bit of fire in his eyes and Cas’s unsure if this won’t end in bloodshed.

“Hey man, good to meet you. I’m not apologizing for the attempted murder.” And he holds out his hand to Gabe.

Gabe takes it and shakes it hard. He looks from Dean to Cas. “Glad to hear you kids made up.”

Dean and Cas blink like a pair of owls. Their rocky start earlier in the year nearly forgotten. Dean comes around first and just smiles warmly at Cas. “Yeah well he couldn’t resist me.”

Cas huffs and rolls his eyes, “oh please, you practically begged.”

Both men share a private smile with each other. Recalling how they both felt hopeless without the other.

“Well regardless, I’m sure it was a passionate reunion.” Gabe waggles his eyebrows suggestively. Cas swears he sees both Sam and Charlie gag and shudder. And Dean blushes right down to his toes.

“Alright if ya’ll have finished... we got a dinner to get to.” Bobby breaks the tension, his gruff voice rising above it all.

“Yes we do, Gabe are you staying in town? Could we meet up later? I’d love to catch up.” Cas isn’t eager to let his brother go so soon after seeing him again.

“Oh don’t be silly, Cas-ti-el!” Ellen smiles. “Gabe can join us. He’s your family honey.”

Gabe starts to object but Castiel won’t let him. He puts a hand on his shoulder. “Yes, of course. Gabe, please stay.”

Gabe smiles at him fondly and Castiel turns to look at each of their faces, settling finally on Dean. He breaks into a wide smile as well.

All the people surrounding him; with their flaws, their generous hearts, they really did become his family. It seemed, to him, that bond was even stronger than blood. And he was so grateful that by meeting Dean he found the one thing he was missing.

The home he always wanted.

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it good or bad if I cried writing that ending? Don’t know and don’t care! 
> 
> TY ❤️


End file.
